Aked Jokes - page 11

Dating Vs Marriage

When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue. When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times. When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time. When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?” When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public. When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public. When you are dating…..…

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The Old Dilapidated Boat

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he…

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A Southern View of Yankees

ARE NORTHERNERS “BLUE-NECKS”? By now I’m sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins: YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF: 1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.” 2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY! 3. You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly. 4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. 5. You don’t know…

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Where you from??

The cleaning crew was cleaning the lobby of an impressive hotel. They cleaned around a guest who had obviously imbibed a bit much, to the point where he was sprawled across several chairs, his clothes were in disarray, and he was moaning gently. They went on and cleaned the rest of the hotel, and as they were ending their shift 8 hours later, one of the crew (his name was Joe) noticed the drunk hadn’t moved. Joe thought about it…

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Tailspin.. .

Cindy Crawford, Ivana Trump, and Whoopi Goldberg are on a plane. The Announcement system clicks to life and the voice of the captain rings through the cabin… “Ladies and gentilemen, I am afaraid the plane has just had a major mechanical failure, and is going to crash. There are only enough parachutes for the crew and myself, and we have already used them – – This is a recording.” Everyone on the plane begins to panic! People are yelling and…

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What’s Your Fee?

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life. As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanks the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. “Just name the fee,” he croaked, gratefully. “Okay,” replied the doctor. “How about half of what you’d have offered…

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X-Ray Glasses

Vinnie goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn’t fully convinced. The store assistant comes along and shows him how to use them, so he buys them. On his way home, Vinnie puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo, he sees everyone in the street naked! He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on…everyone is naked again! “Cool!”…

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Snickers really satisfy…

This couple are just married and they go to their hotel suite. The groom is really pumped up. It’s his wedding night and he’s finally going to get some. They get to their room and he’s ready to pounce on his bride, having already stripped. She stops him and says she’s starving and would he run down to vending machine and get her a Snickers. He says, “But I’m already naked!” She says “Please I just know that I’ll be…

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New Zealand Lover

This is an excerpt from a Mulls & Boot story, set in the South Island of New Zealand. WARNING, this is steamy stuff. You either need to read this curled-up on a sofa with an exotic drink or with a cold shower close-by………. We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.The warm breeze was full of that earthy musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet…

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Indian Mating Ritual

The Indian tour guide is explaining the re-enactment of an ancient Indian courting ritual. As they watch, an Indian brave approaches the mouth of a small cave, cups his hands to his mouth and calls out: “Ha-woo, ha-woo?” From the back of the cave comes a faint answering, feminine “Ha-woo! Ha-woo!” The Indian brave strips off his clothing and runs into the cave. A Pollock in the tour group gets an idea. He sneaks away, finds the biggest cave he…

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