Whole life Jokes

The Important Things in Life

My grandfather, who had lived his whole 90 years in Boston, was admitted to the hospital with a serious infection. The situation worsened, and the doctors were very concerned for his life. The hospital priest went in to give Pop communion and asked if he would like to pray for “something.” Pop hesitated for a moment, then said that being in the bed had given him time to think about the truly important things in life, and yes he would…

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Lifetime Medication

Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, “What’s the problem?” He said, “The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life.” She said, “So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives.” “Yes, I know,” he said, “but he only gave me four pills!”

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The Cowboy’s Guide to Life

Don’t squat with your spurs on. Don’t interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a raindance. The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is t’ swaller. Iffin you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’. Iffin it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t. It don’t take no genius…

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A pill for the rest of my life

Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife asked, “What’s the problem?” He said, “The doctor told me I have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life.” She said, “So what! Lots of people have to take a pill everyday their whole lives.” He said, “I know, but he only gave me four pills.”

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Whole Lotta Yo Mama

SO BIG Yo mama’s so big, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step. Yo mama’s so big, her belly button’s got an echo. Yo mama’s so big, she can’t wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back. Yo mama’s so big, she rollerskates on busses. Yo mama’s so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers. Yo mama’s so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker. Yo mama’s so big, she uses bowling…

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Lunch Time Excitement

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing. One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, “Kin ya swaller?” She shook her head ‘no.’ “Kin ya breath?” Again she shakes her head ‘no.’ The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her…

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Hillbilly Cop

One day a hillbilly walks into a police station because he wants to get a job as a deputy, which he’s wanted to be his whole life. So he goes over to the sheriff’s desk and says to the sheriff,”I’m hear to be a deputy.” The sheriff laughs and says, “Well lets see if you’re qualified, son.” The sheriff asks him a question and the hillbilly gives him an answer. The sheriff says, “Close enough.” The sheriff then asks him,…

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50 Reasons to be a Woman

1.Free drinks. 2.Free dinners. 3.Free movies (you get the point). 4.You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you’re gay. 5.You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU’RE gay. 6.You know ‘The Truth’ about whether size matters. 7.Speeding ticket? What’s that? 8.New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life. 9.You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school. 10.If you have sex with someone and don’t call them…

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Knock-Knock

1. Knock knock Who’s there? Banana Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again? :0) 2. Knock knock Who’s there? Boo Boo who? Quit crying! It’s only me! :0) 3. Mamma, do you love me? Would you never in your whole life forget my name? Why, of course not, dear. Knock knock Who’s there? See, you’ve forgotten my name already! :0)

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Spelling Womb

A young lady was eating lunch alone at a restaurant and couldn’t help overhearing a discussion among four men at a neighboring table. Said the first man, “Just spell it the simplest possible way—W-O-O-M.” “There’s a B in it, you dope,” said the second. “It’s spelled W-O-O-M-B.” “You don’t have enough letters,” objected the third. “I think it ought to be spelled W-O-O-O-M-M-B.” “Nonsense,” said the fourth. “It’s ridiculous to put in all those letters. Besides, there’s a final R.…

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