video tape

This soldier had been stationed overseas and was fooling around on his wife. She was back home in the states. She found out about it through some anonymous letters.

The soldier gets a package from his wife. He finds inside a batch of homemade cookies and a video tape of his favorite stateside TV shows.

He invites a couple of buddies over to watch the tape. They’re all having a great time eating the cookies and watching episodes of “South Park”.

Right in the middle of one episode, though, the tape cuts to a home video of the soldier’s wife, on her knees, giving the soldier’s best friend oral sex.

After a few seconds, the best friend “does his business” and she turns, on camera, and spits it right into . . . a mixing bowl of cookie dough.

The wife then looks right into the camera and says, “I want a divorce.”

Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, “I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transexual making love with a dog and a woman accomodating five men at once. If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community.” He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, “Are there any questions?”

Five people shouted in unison, “Where’d you rent the tape?”

If Ann Landers was a man….

Dear Ann:

Q: My husband-to-be still yearns for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it on the Internet. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love and we have no time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you. Return this love by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should — he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Recent Christmas Time Rumors…

–Frosty has vehemently denied any contact with a local snowblower.

–Rudolph works off season blinking his red nose for whore houses.

–A scorned Mrs. Claus blows whistle telling Federal Aviation Administration that Santa has been flying over loaded for years!

–Under aged elves who work in Santa’s sweat shops will be aired on Jerry Springer.

–Christmas Carol’s Scrooge sues PBS when Wishbone bites him on the ass.

–South Park kids will duct tape Santa and video tape themselves giving him a cookies and milk enema.

–Grinch will not only steal Christmas, but he’ll drop a rabid Furby down your skivvies.

– An alternative movie of “It’s A Wonderful Life ” to be played by Charlie & the paroled Manson family.

–Kermit may appear on “Law and Order” key suspect for a missing Miss Piggy while having been pulled over for a roast pork breath of 2.5.

–Popeye’s shocking Christmas gift is when he finds out Olive Oyl is his transvestite brother.

Guys, if you happen to live in an apartment building and have some comely youg ladies living right next door to you, here is a “tried & true” way to get their “attention,” and maybe their companionship.

First get some pornographic videos, where the gals are very loud “moaners”.

Next, RECORD the “moaning soundtrack” onto a continuous-loop audio tape cassette. Make sure the loop tape lasts about 30 minutes before repeating itself. You may have to splice different moaning scenes together, to achieve this effect. After you’ve done that, you are ready to impress the females next door.

Turn your stereo speaker(s) toward the wall that you and your female quarry share in common. Place the speaker(s) directly against the wall and adjust the volume to allow for the wall’s thickness.

Begin playing the pornographic soundtrack in the evening hours, when you know for a fact that your intended is not only home, but is ALONE (or with her girlfriends).

The continuous sounds of a woman having multiple orgasms for hours and hours will pique the interest of the feamle(s) next door. They will have no other choice, but to conclude that you must be one FANTASTIC LOVER. More than likely, you will find that they just “happen” to be at the laundromat the same time as you, or are taking their trash to the dumpster when you are. Let them initiate any conversation and TRY to blush, should they comment about your “guests”. Be sure to apologize profusely and say things like, “She’s kinda hard to control, sometimes.”

IMMEDIATELY discontinue this ploy, should one of the ladies say, “I didn’t know human females had a VOLUME CONTROL.”