snow white

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows 2000
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

What do you call Frosty the snowman in June?
A puddle!

What kind of ship never sinks?
Friendship!

What is Black and white and red all over?
A cow that didn’t wear sunblock!

What is the main use for cow-hide?
The main use is to use the cowhide and cover the cow’s body!

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs were roaming in the forest when they came across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decided to take a bath, so she told the Dwarfs to turn around while she was undressing to take the bath.

The dwarfs protested vehemently, so she relented and said that when they heard the splash, they could turn around.

Snow White undressed and as she was about to jump into water, she was startled by a frog who jumped into water before she could. The moment the Dwarfs heard the SPLASH, they turned around and saw Snow White standing STARK NAKED.

Now, if this incident is a preview to an ad, what product is being advertised?

SEVEN UP!

Researchers have finally figured out the truth about Snow White after many years of study, and came to the conclusion that she was a prostitute and the seven dwarfs were just little midget pimps.

Why else would they go around singing “Hi-ho, Hi-ho, it’s off to work we go” all the time?

Did you know her Prince Charming was impotent? If you watch the movie, you will hear her sing about how “someday my prince will come”.