Saul Jokes

At a rape trial, the young victim was asked by the D. A. what the defendant said just before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer. After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors. One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from…

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EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE AUTOMATED IN THE FUTURE. Even Emergency 911: “Thank you for calling Emergency 911.If you’re being murdered, press 1. If you’re suffering from a split personality, press 2,3 and 4. If you’re battling Satan, press 666. If you are being assaulted,press pound,pound,pound. If you are already dead, stay on the line, and an operator will be with you shortly.”

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Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. “T-Square, do your stuff.” T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. The Accountant said his…

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Jake and Saul are two old widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on one another. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the “Obits” page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier was in preparation for this event. He correctly…

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A man asks Jack, the produce manager of a local supermarket, for half a cabbage. “Half a cabbage?” says Jack. “Why don’t you buy a whole cabbage?” “I live alone. I don’t need a whole cabbage.” “All right, Sir,” says Jack, “I’ll be right back”,and he takes a cabbage through the swinging doors to the meat department. “Max,” he says to the butcher, not realizing the customer has followed him through the doors, “cut this in half. Some asshole wants…

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25 Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word “Pants”: 1) A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master. 2) You are unwise to lower your pants. 3) We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down. 4) She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally…

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You light your bed on fire and fight your brother in it. Your teacher gives you detention, so you give him a Stone Cold Stunner and walk out of class, flashing your middle fingers. You leapfrog over people while playing football, then you turn around and clothesline them. You publish a shirt that says ‘Jay Leno 1-0 Who’s Next.’ Every time you sit down at a table you consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault onto…

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