prophet

Weddings: A Jewish father, Moishe, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak… “Father, I am going to marry!”

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Naghila… “Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?” says the father.. “What is her name?”

“O’Brien,” replies the son. “She’s Catholic…”

“Oy!” says the father. “But are you happy?”

“I’m happy,” says the son.

“Ok…as long as you’re happy….my blessings to you both,” replies Moishe. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlumeil and Chutzpah…

Schlumeil calls on his father the next evening, “Father…I too will be married soon!”

Again, Moishe breaks out in a dance and sings God’s praises. “What is her name?” implores the father.

“Kazalopodopolous,” says the son, “She’s Greek Orthodox…”

“Oy,” says Moishe…”But are you happy?”

“I’m happy, father…”

“Ok…then you too have my blessing,” intones Moishe. Dejected, Moishe goes to the Temple to pray.. “Please God…let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl …to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes….PLEASE!”

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, “Father! I am to wed in the Spring.”

“Her NAME?” his father immediately demands.

“Goldberg!” says Chutzpah.

Moishe is beside himself with joy! “Praise God! Praise the prophets!” Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, “Is she Dr. Goldberg’s daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?”

“No…” says Chutzpah.

“Hmmm,” says Moishe. “Must be Atty. Goldberg’s daughter Rachel from Hollywood?”

“Ah…no, father,” says Chutzpah.

“Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?”

“Whoopi!” says Chutzpah.

A medieval Jewish astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The kind was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman’s death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: “Prophet, tell me when you will die!”

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, “I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later.”

Did you know that Atheism is a NON-PROPHET organization?

Dyslexics have more fnu

Clones are people, two

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses

Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs

A waist is a terrible thing to mind

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Do the names “Pavlov” or “Quasimodo” ring a bell?

Gene Police: “YOU! Out of the pool!”

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art

IRS - “Be audit you can be!”

Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.

Photons have mass!!?? I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Here’s to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra

A diagnostic is someone who doesn’t know whether there are two gods.

Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?