pig farmer

Well there was this farmer and his rooster had just passed away, and all of his hens were sad and depressed. They were so depressed that they would not lay any eggs. So the farmer said, “I am going to have to find a new rooster.”

So the farmer set out and bought a new rooster. He put the rooster in the chicken pen and suddenly the rooster mounted a hen then another then another. The farmer was amazed and said, “You’re going to have to slow down or you’ll kill yourself!”

After the rooster had finished with the hens the rooster started to mount all the barnyard animals. He mounted the cows, the goats, sheep, rabbits, pigs, horses, and even the dog.

Well that night the farmer went to bed and the rooster was still mounting animals. The farmer told him to quit or he was going to die.

Well the next morning came and the old farmer saw the rooster laying on the ground with his tongue hanging out motionless on the ground.

The old farmer walked over and said “I told you to quit.”

The rooster then sat up and pointed in the sky saying, “SHHhhh, Buzzards.”

one day a guy at an insurance company got a request for insurance for a pig.
The guy wanted to know why the pig needed insurance so he went down to the farm to investigate.
when he approched the owner and asked him why, the farmer pointed to the pig with only 3 legs.
The insurance man(lets call him Joe)
asked what happen to the pig.
the farmer(lets call him Billy Bob)
says,”well one time my little daughter got out of her play pen and me and my darlin didnt notice, till a big truck started come down the road! The pig jump over the fence and saved her before she got hit!”
Joe: “well how did the pig loss his leg?”
Billy Bob:”oh .. well one night i was in the barn tending my horses and i dropped the lantern, and the barn started to catch fire, and the pig saved us all before it burned down on top of us!”
Joe:”you still didnt tell me how he lost his leg.”
Billy Bob:” well you cant eat a pig that good all at once!!”

One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighboring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in, free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he’d sleep in the barn.

The Hindu and the lawyer were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a pig in that barn and because I’m Jewish, I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”

“No problem,” said the Hindu. “I’ll sleep out there instead.” So off he went to the barn, leaving the lawyer and the Jew to share the room.

They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a cow in that barn and because I’m a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”

The lawyer grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.

The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig…

Farmer Dan buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for bacon, ham, etc… After a few weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and he calls the vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn’t have the slightest clue as to what this means, but not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs became pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down and will wallow in the mud.

The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs, so he loads the pigs up in his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes up and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they’re all standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, so he loads them in the truck again, and drives them into the woods, has sex with them all twice, (just for good measure), brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning he wakes, only to find the pigs still just standing around. “One more try,” he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them into the woods again. He spends all day having sex with the pigs and upon returning home, falls into bed, exhausted.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out at the pigs. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

“No,” she says, “they are all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.

About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

“What happened to you?” asked Bill.

“Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asked Bill.

The driver replied, “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”