lt colonel

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

3. Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire. ( For this reason aircraft carriers have been called “Bomb Magnets.”)

4. There is always a way.

5. The easy way is always mined.

6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. (Trivia devotees will recall the sudden disappearance of rank and distinctive caps on the uniforms worn by Soviet officers in Afghanistan.)

7. Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.

8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
* a. when you’re ready for them.
* b. when you’re not ready for them.

9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

10. If you can’t remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.

11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

12. A “sucking chest wound” is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won’t be able to get out. ( This seems to be the guiding design principle behind the Soviet’s BMP and our Bradley infantry vehicle, both of which nicely package the troops in armored boxes for group destruction.)

17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

18. If you’re short of everything but the enemy, you’re in a combat zone.

19. When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.

20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

21. Friendly fire isn’t.

22. If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

23. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

24. The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass.

25. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

26. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.

27. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

28. If at first you don’t succeed call in an air-strike.

29. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

30. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel’s HQ.

31. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

32. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

33. A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.

34. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can’t hit the broad side of a barn.

35. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

36. Field experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

37. Interchangeable parts aren’t.

38. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

39. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.

40. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism (in boot camp).

41. The one item you need is always in short supply.

42. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

43. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon’s operator.

44. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

45. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.

46. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

47. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don’t know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON’T want.

48. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

49. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.

50. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.

51. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.

52. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal Of Honor.

53. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

54. Murphy was a grunt and an optimist to boot.

55. You aren’t Superman. (Freshly graduated recruits from Marine boot camp, and all fighter pilots, especially, take note.)

56. Suppressive fires - won’t.

57. If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.

58. When in doubt empty the magazine.

59. No plan survives the first contact, intact.

60. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.

61. The important things are always simple.

62. The simple things are always hard.

63. No combat ready group has passed inspection. Note: No Marine unit has ever failed a combat readiness inspection, which suggests peacetime inspections are to readiness as mess hall food is to haute cuisine.

64. Beer Math -> 2 beers X 37 men = 49 cases

65. Body Count Math -> 3 guerrillas + 1 probable + 2 pigs = 37 enemy Killed In Action

66. Things that must be together to work, usually can’t be shipped together.

67. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately. (Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)

68. Tracers work both ways.

69. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

70. If you take more than your share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.

71. When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they’re both right.

72. Military intelligence can be a contradiction in terms.

73. Recoilless rifles -aren’t.

74. If it flies, it dies.

75. Cavalry doesn’t always come to the rescue.

76. B-52’s are the ultimate in close air support.

77. Sniper’s motto: Reach out and touch someone.

78. Peace is our profession - mass murder’s just a hobby.

79. Killing for peace is like whoring for virginity.

80. Remember napalm is an area weapon.

81. Don’t worry about the bullet with your name on it worry about the shrapnel addressed “To Whom It May Concern”

82. Artillery is very non-descriminatory, it kills anyone it lands on.

83. There are always more Second Lieutenants.

84. If you think the weather can’t get any worse, it will..

85. More troops die from weather, injury/accident, disease than in combat, but how can you get a medal from a case of rot!

86. Just when you become comfortable, they move you!

87. Someone is always watching out for you, unfortunately they ain’t always friendly.

88. If you need something now, you have either just lost it, sold it, or put it down.

89. If you need ammo, you get food; and if you need food you get ammo.

90. All or any of the above combined.

Why DID the chicken cross the road?

VICE PRESIDENT GORE: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH: I don’t believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road

SENATOR LIEBERMAN: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.

SECRETARY CHENEY: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don’t want to cross the road. They don’t need help crossing the road. In fact, I’m not interested in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER: Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren’t ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it - the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by “cross”? Could you define “cross” please?

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and lo, there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

KEN STARR: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation.
Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define ‘chicken’ please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

In 1928 Colonel John Rotherhampton arrives in Central Africa to take over command of the King’s African Rifles from retiring Lt. Colonel Peter Defries.

The retiring CO is very pleased to meet his successor and over a cup of tea at the regimental mess is most enthusiastic about the regiment’s adjutant, Captain Harry S Smithers. The old CO so extols the virtues and soldierly prowess of Capt. Smithers that the new CO decides that he must simply meet this man. A sentry is sent to invite Smithers to a spot of afternoon tea.

When Smithers arrives the new CO is surprised to see that the man he thought was a man’s man was in fact about four feet tall, completely bald, had absolutely no teeth and his uniform looked five sizes too big for him.

The old CO says, “Go on Smithers tell the Colonel about yourself.”

Smithers — Well sir, I graduated from Oxford with a first in Law, graduated as Dux of officer training at Sandhurst, was British Empire champion shot from 1919 to 1923, won a silver medal in middleweight boxing at the 1924 Olympics and …”

The old Co cut in, “Bugger all that Smithers, just get to the part where you told the local witch doctor to fuck off…”