Lincoln Jokes

Lincoln the Memoirs

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

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Japanese Student in America

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, “Give me Liberty, or give me death?” She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up, “Patrick Henry, 1775,” said the boy. “Now,” said the teacher, “Who said ‘Government of the people, by the…

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His and Her Directions

Have you ever wondered how the female mind works as compared to the male mind? Yes Male minds are simple. HER DIRECTIONS: 80….(SF)….just after the weight station near cordelia(i think) will be an exit for 14…Sonoma and Napa….take it…..follow it all the way thru…..till you end up in fairfield…there is a signal next to…a Beer joint i think it is….i don’t know…but you merge to the right which turns into a lil 2 lane freeway dealy….go thru the signal…go over…

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Hillbilly Cop

One day a hillbilly walks into a police station because he wants to get a job as a deputy, which he’s wanted to be his whole life. So he goes over to the sheriff’s desk and says to the sheriff,”I’m hear to be a deputy.” The sheriff laughs and says, “Well lets see if you’re qualified, son.” The sheriff asks him a question and the hillbilly gives him an answer. The sheriff says, “Close enough.” The sheriff then asks him,…

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Some interesting facts

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. The average secretary’s left hand does 56% of the typing. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. There are more chickens than people in the world. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in…

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A New Italian Opera!

CLINTON TRAGEDIO AMERICANO (Program notes translated by Rodgers Wood) Cast of Characters: Bill Clinton, tenor – philandering President of the United States Hillary Rodham Clinton, soprano – his long-suffering wife Monica Lewinsky, soprano – a conniving little White House intern Ken Starr, basso – puritanical special prosecutor Henry Hyde, basso – a true believer congressman Linda Tripp, contralto – double-crossing friend of Monica’s Paula Jones, contralto – a wild woman from Arkansas Sam Donaldson, baritone – a television news reporter…

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Who said that?

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.” Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.” Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?” Before Johnny can open his mouth,…

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Hillary’s Tour

Hillery Clinton and St. Peter were taking a walk in heaven one day. Hillery noticed all these clocks around. She asked,”What are all these clocks for?” St. Peter replied,”For every lie someone tells, their clock advances one minute. See, over there? That is Abe Lincoln’s clock. He only told two lies in his life. His clock reads: two after twelve.” Then Hillery asked,”Where is my husbands clock, where’s Bill’s clock?” Peter replied,”That is in Jesus’s office, he uses it for…

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A New Kind of Car

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. “Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?” one asked. “He got this hare brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car,” his coworker replied. “How was he going to do it?” “He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea.” “So what did he end up with?” “Ten years to…

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