Lb woman Jokes

Hillbilly Medical Exam

An 83-year-old Hillbilly woman was examined by her Doctor. After he was done checking her over, he complimented her on her excellent health and said, “Do you and Jake still have intercourse?” The lady thought a second and said, “Let me ask Jake, afore I answer.” She hobbles out to the waiting room and says to her hubby, “Jake, the Doc wants to know iffin we still have intercourse. Do we?” “No, my dear,” Jake responded, “We now have Blue…

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Hillbilly Lifesavers

Two hillbillies are having the lunch special at the local diner when they hear an awful choking sound. They turn around to see a woman turning blue from wolfing down a Possumburger too fast. Jethro says to Wilbur, “Think we oughta help?” “Yep” says Wilbur, who walks over to the lady and says, “Kin you breathe?” She shakes her head no. “Kin you talk?” he asks, and again she shakes her head. With that, he grabs her ankles and flips…

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woman bashing

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch. Why do men fart more than women? Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure. Why did God give men penises? So we’d always have at least one way to shut a…

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REASONS TO LIVE WITH A DOG INSTEAD OF A WOMAN

1. Dogs love it when your friends come over. 2. Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late. 3. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you. 4. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. 5. Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away. 6. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. 7. A dog’s parents never visit. 8. Dogs understand that instincts are better than…

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No More Nailbiting

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. “I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous.” My Billy used to do the same things,” the older woman replied, “but I broke him of that pesky habit.” “How?” “I hid his teeth!”

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Kosher Jokes

1) What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers? “Is ANYTHING all right?” 2) Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner. 3) How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? (Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody. 4) Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam’s car,…

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Male Bashing

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough. Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Q: Why do men like smart women? A: Opposites attract. Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers? A: They’re hard to…

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How to give your cat a pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop the pill in its mouth. 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa. 3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cats front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.…

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