January 1 Jokes

Blonde, Computer

Blonde’s Y2K Suggestion

During a staff meeting on the last working day of 1999, a manager was discussing the company’s preparedness for the Y2K roll-over. Worried that the company’s computers may fail when the year becomes 2000, the manager is requiring every engineer to report to work on first day of January to make sure the computers will not go crazy. His blonde secretary, who was taking down the minutes of the meeting, suddenly raised her hand excitedly and asked if she could…

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Heaven, Religious

Heaven’s Test Questions

Little Johnny died and went to Heaven. He waited in a long line at the Pearly Gates until he was the only one left. St. Peter asked Little Johnny if he was ready to take the test for admittance into Heaven. Little Johnny said, “Sure.” “OK,” said St. Peter. “First question. How many seconds are there in a year?” “Well, there are 12,” said Little Johnny. “How did you come up with that?” “Well, there is the second of January,…

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Office

You know you work in 1990s Corporate America when….

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!” Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube. Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes”, “in your spare time”, “when you’re freed up”, and “I have an opportunity for you.” Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January. Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”. Change is the norm. Nepotism is…

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Religious

1/1/2000 Virus Alert!

On January 1, 2000, do not open any email, do not go anywhere, do not eat anything , do not wake up, because the world will be infected with a non-life-threatening virus known as the “Holy Shit, the World is Still Here!” virus. It will infect every human being alive who believes their car, refrigerator, microwave, condom dispenser and sphincter muscle are going to shut down due to the terrible Y2K virus. (Although this WILL happen to redneck towns more…

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Religious

Y2K Backup System

While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000, and most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also be fully compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in case unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of our customers. Enclosed with this memo is a “Y2K Backup System” device designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the…

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Funny Stories

Benefits of the Y2K bug

From: Automated Payroll Processing Date: January 1, 00 Re: Vacation Pay Dear Valued Employee: Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time for the past 100 year(s). As I’m sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work, or notify our office and your next pay cheque…

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Funny Stories

The Up Side of Y2K

January 1, 2000 Re: Vacation Pay Dear Valued Employee: Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I`m sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next paycheck will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which…

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Ethnic Cultural

A Tennessean Moves to New York

January 10: It’s 5pm. It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we’ve seen in many years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window watching the snow flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so pristine and beautiful. Things could not be any better. January 11: We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a…

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Funny Stories

Funny epitaphs

These epitaphs were taken from actual tombstones: On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: “Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die Young.” In a London, England cemetery: “Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid, But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767” In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: “The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.”…

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Politics

Bush in Office

December 30, 2004/Washington, D.C.(Associated Press) After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was finally declared the winner of the 2000 Presidential Election yesterday. Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves until January 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the undisputed winner of the 2004 Presidential Election, New York Senator Hillary Rodham Greenspan (formerly Clinton). Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an…

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