Hang ups Jokes - page 2

Nuns get a flat tire

A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. “Son-of-a-bitch,” he yelled. The eldest nun said to him, “That is not nice language. We understand…

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Little Johnny and the Eel

Seven-year-old little Johnny, like other boys his age, are rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered just what it was all about. One day he asked his mother, and she became quite flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains later that night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. So he did this, and the next morning he gave this…

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Why Cucumbers are Better than Men

The average cucumber is at least six inches long Cucumbers stay hard for a week A Cucumber won’t tell you that size doesn’t count Cucumbers don’t get too excited A Cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety Cucumbers are easy to pick up You can fondle Cucumbers in the supermarket…and you know how firm it is before you take one home Cucumbers can get away any weekend With a Cucumber you can get a single room…and you won’t have to check…

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The Rules

1. The female always makes the rules. 2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No male can possibly know all the rules. 4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules. 5. The female is never wrong. 6. If the female appears to be wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male…

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A Hacker’s Version of ‘Yesterday’

Sing this to the tune of the Beatles’ “Yesterday” : Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There’s not half the files there used to be, And there’s a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data’s gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so…

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Axioms for the Internet Age

1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\is the root of all directories. 8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.…

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The Golden Fiddle

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer’s field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when the farmers wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn’t believe how beautiful she was. He asked the farmer, “How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and…

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New and Improved Policies

Memo To: All Employees Subject: New Policies Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse…

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wackiness in the workplace

“How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace, Part I” ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document. Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during he meeting. During the meeting, eat 5 entire raw potatoes. Insist that your e-mail address be “[email protected]” Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him/her…

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Easy Way Of Writing Home

Dear Parent(s), I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us. Please send: __ Money (Cash)! Amount: $_______ __ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________ __ Clean clothes! Relationships: __ What? __ I am in love with myself __ I am in love! __ I am engaged __ I got married last weekend My Roommate: __ Worships the ground I walk on __ Gave me a black eye __ Committed suicide…

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