Food group Jokes

Signs That You are Too Drunk

Signs That You are Too Drunk You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Career won’t progress beyong Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case- coincidence?…

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college life

Signs you’re in college: -You rarely have $5 in your pocket. -A grilled cheese sandwich is a major food group to you. -You have little or no idea what you want to do with your life. -There is drool damage in two or more of your textbooks. -Your body starts going through withdrawal, when you go more than two days w/o pizza. -Your computer costs more and runs better than your car. -Your history prof asks “Who was General Lee?”…

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Top 10 signs you’re not in college anymore

10. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded. 9. College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress-up. 8. The 4 food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal. 7. Three Words: School Loan Payments. 6. Sneakers are now ‘weekend shoes’. 5. Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks. 4. You empathize with the characters from ‘Friends’. 3. Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone’s and Mad Dog. 2. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. And the Number 1 Sign…

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Top 10 Signs You Have a Drinking Problem

10. “Norm” is what they say when you enter the bar. 9. Two hands and one mouth….Now THAT’S a drinking problem. 8. 24 hours a day, 24 beers in a case … coincidence??? 7. You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 5. At an AA meeting you begin: “Hi my name is….uh…”. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.…

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Kosher Jokes

1) What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers? “Is ANYTHING all right?” 2) Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner. 3) How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? (Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody. 4) Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam’s car,…

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His Fondest Wish

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is at the entrance. A cat shows up. St Peter says “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.” Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.” St Peter: “That’s easy. Granted.…

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Murphy’s Laws Of Combat

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire. ( For this reason aircraft carriers have been called “Bomb Magnets.”) 4. There is always a way. 5. The easy way is always mined. 6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. (Trivia devotees will recall the sudden disappearance of rank and distinctive caps on the uniforms worn by Soviet officers in…

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Corporate Buzzwords for 2000

Corporate Buzzwords for 2000 Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. Cube Farm:…

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68 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Ride those electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clock to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing football; see how many people you can get to join in. 5. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him, “I need some…

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lab rats

AP–The federal government today released the findings of a four year study that linked living in cages to increased potential of developing cancer in laboratory rats. The study, which cost an estimated $17 million, was started in 1983 when all the rats in a laboratory test control group contracted cancer. Spokesperson John Smith explained: “We were running a test on the possible link between excess popcorn intake and increased incidence of colon cancer. The test group consisted of twenty rats…

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