college life

This appeared in a local Sunday magazine recently. For those unfamiliar with the Star Wars saga, James Earl Jones was the voice of that great villain Darth Vader. But those Star Wars fans will surely appreciate this fanciful article :

Supposedly James Earl Jones is Vassar College’s Commencement speaker for this year. Oddly, this event coincides with the release of the much awaited “Phantom Menace” and the unexpected popularity of Baz Luhrmann’s “Sunscreen Song” (which, if you haven’t had your head under a rock, is a spoken graduation address set to music that is constantly playing on many radio stations). And so, I can only wonder what would Mr. Jones’ address be like?…. (had he been in character)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of ‘99… embrace the Dark Side of the Force. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, the Dark Side would be it. The long-term benefits of the Dark Side have been proven by the Dark Lords of the Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than m yown meandering cruelty and conquests.

I will dispense this advice now…

Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet. Oh, never mind. You will never understand the power and the beauty of your planet until after the Empre has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find the Rebel Base. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and recall, in a way you can’t grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked before it was a pile of burning space rubble. Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the Rebellion–or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted mind–the kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.

Do in a Death Star officer every day.

Scheme.

Don’t disobey the Emperor’s orders; don’t put up with people who disobey yours.

Hate.

Don’t waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can’t hit the broad side of a barn.

The battle is long and in the end, it is only with yourself. And your idiot son.

Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your bratty upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old light saber, but change your costume slightly with every sequel.

Destroy.

Don’t feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side. The most interesting people I know didn’t have any respect at 22 for their victim’s lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don’t.

Have plenty of minions.

Be kind to your right hand; you’ll miss it when it’s gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe your son will join you, maybe he won’t. Maybe you’ll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she’ll become a rebel leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder.

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your destiny is half chance. So is everybody else’s.

Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or what other people think of your “sorcerer’s ways.” The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to its power.

Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.

Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you don’t follow his prophecies.

Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And vulnerable.

Get to know your parents. You’ll never know when they’ll turn out to be your arch enemies.

Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future.

Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should keep from crushing their tracheas.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.

Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot.

Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke.

Travel. Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter.

Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial Senate will have to be disbanded. You too will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed, the Imperial Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.

Respect your Emperor.

Don’t expect your son to rule the galaxy with you. Maybe he’ll give in to his anger. Maybe he’ll strike you down. But you’ll never know when he’ll whine pleadingly, and you’ll find yourself turning to the Light Side and saving his sorry butt.

Don’t strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or I’ll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than it is worth.

But trust me on the Dark Side.

When I was in junior-high, all I wanted was a girl with great figure.

In high school, I dated a girl with great figure, but there was no passion.
So, I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency and she cried all the time.

So, I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring.
She never got excited about anything.

So, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She was directionless.

So, I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her.
But, she was so ambitious that she soon divorced me
and took everything I owned.

Now, all I want is a girl with great figure!

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s this year’s list:
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1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. “The Day After” is a pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression “you sound like a broken record” means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that the Sony introduced the Walkman.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
31. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
32. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.
33. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
34. They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
35. They never heard the terms: “Where’s the beef?,” “I’d walk a mile for a Camel,” or “de plane, de plane!”
36. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
37. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
38. Michael Jackson has always been white.
39. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
40. McDonald’s never came in styrofoam containers.
41. There has always been MTV.

You Might Be a Computer Geek If…

You may have heard of Jeff Foxworthy’s humorous dialogue about rednecks, well, this is a twist on his style of humor.

You might be a computer geek, by Jeff Foxqwerty.

You might be a computer geek:

1 If you have 20/20 vision, and still can’t C…

2 If You buy a car and ask what version it is instead of model…

3 If the biggest purchase of your life happens at least once a month…

4 If you spent more on your computer than your wife’s engagement ring…

5 If you can pronounce several Japanese words and they aren’t forms of martial arts…

6 If you finger yourself on a regular basis…

7 If your idea of a date is dinner and an AVI…

8 If your pet rock is faster than a speeding bullet…

9 If you install windows, but you’re not a carpenter…

10 If your doctor says you have a slipped disk, and you call a data recovery company…

11 If a computer you bought for 2000 dollars is now being used as a doorstop…

12 If you want a faster car, you ask the dealer for an upgrade…

13 If your criteria for a college consists of:
1. How many computers
2. Does it have full Internet
3. And what are the hours of the nearest Chinese food restaurant

14 If you have an unpronouncable computer handle, and it actually means something…

15 If you have an SVGA monitor, and a Black and White TV…

16 If you have one in every port, and you aren’t a sailor…

17 If you one day realize you did your budget in Hex…

18 If you number your reports in powers of 2…

19 If you can recognize the speed of a modem by the tones…

20 If you’ve ever met someone for the first time that you’ve known for years…

Copyright (C) 1995 ROTFLOL / Written by Jason Caminiti / jcaminit@lynx.neu.edu

Signs you’re in college:

-You rarely have $5 in your pocket.
-A grilled cheese sandwich is a major food group to you.
-You have little or no idea what you want to do with your life.
-There is drool damage in two or more of your textbooks.
-Your body starts going through withdrawal, when you go more than two days w/o pizza.
-Your computer costs more and runs better than your car.
-Your history prof asks “Who was General Lee?” and you answer, “The car from The Dukes of Hazzard.”
-You’re on a first name basis w/ the MasterCard and Visa debt collectors.