coffee machine

one day a lady went up to her boss and wanted to report him for sexual harrasment.

“so who is harrasing you?”
“well everytime i go to the coffee machine derik tells me how nice ma hair smells”
“well how is that sexual harrasment?” the boss asks
“wel

This post was submitted by maggie.

For you ladies (and men so you’re prepared), a little MEN ARE LIKE humor:

MEN ARE LIKE…
Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Blenders, you need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right to your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Commercials, you cant believe a word they say.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Curling Irons, they’re always hot and always in your hair.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Cement, after getting laid they take a long time to get hard.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.

MEN ARE LIKE…
High Heels, they’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all that bright.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Place Mats, they only show up when there’s food on the table.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Snow Storms, you never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long they will last.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Bank Machines, once they withdraw they lose interest.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Bananas, the older they get, the less firm they are.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Newborn Babies, they’re cute at first, but pretty soon you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Crystal, some look real good, but you can still see right through them.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave no ring.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Laxatives, they irritate the crap out of you.

“How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace, Part I”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during he meeting. During the meeting, eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com”

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him/her to sign a waiver.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him/her if s/he want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask him/her to settle the disagreement.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.

Come to work in your pajamas.

Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Volunteer to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

No matter what anyone asks you, reply “OK” while nodding.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

Grow mold in your coffee cup.

Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing” and leave. Go get a coffee.

Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

~~~~~~~~~~~
How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace, Part 2

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.

“Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

E-mail nude GIFs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet.

Hang mistletoe over your desk. (Seasonal)

Include a personal note on every e-mail you send. “On a personal note, I’m feeling a bit tired and grumpy today.” “On a personal note, I’m pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night.”

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the lunchroom. When people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.” See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas, donuts, etc.

Secretly put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Watch the fireworks that will follow.

When you go to a party at somebody’s house, don’t automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

TOP 20 THINGS THAT SHOW YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90′S

20. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
19. Your reason for not staying in touch with family members is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
18. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s homepage to your bookmarks.
17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
15. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
14. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long that some of the products don’t even exist any more.
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it’s Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as “deliverables”.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same evening.
5. You think that “progressing an action plan” and “calendarizing a project” are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the local coffee store better than you know your next door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to “think out of the box” when making Friday night plans.
2. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.

And the number 1 sign you’ve had too much of the 90’s …

1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at the third floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t yet started the paper either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it our of the way, so you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one song of your favorite CD and that’s it, I mean it, as soon as it’s over you are going to start that paper!

10. Listen to another song.

11. Rearrange all of your CDs in alphabetical order by artist or group, then by album title. While you’re at it, create neatly-typed index cards, complete with notes and cross-references.

12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he’s started writing, yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large, etc., etc.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than twelve hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler’s Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time just for the hell of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.