boss

one day a lady went up to her boss and wanted to report him for sexual harrasment.

“so who is harrasing you?”
“well everytime i go to the coffee machine derik tells me how nice ma hair smells”
“well how is that sexual harrasment?” the boss asks
“wel

This post was submitted by maggie.

It was autumn, and time for the blonde farmer to go over his books. To his puzzlement, he found that his flock of Rhode Island Reds was twice as profitable, in terms of eggs they produced, as was his flock of White Leghorns.

“Look at this, he said to his wife. “I’ve gone over the numbers again and again, and there’s no doubt about it: the Reds are laying twice as many eggs and bringing in twice the money of the Whites. I just don’t understand it.”

“I’ll tell you something else,” said his equally blonde wife, running a finger over the figures in her husband’s spreadsheet. “It looks like the Reds are eating twice as much as the Whites, too. Maybe that’s why they’re producing twice as many eggs.”

“By golly, you’re right,” said the farmer. Stymied, he went to bed that night, making a mental note to call an expert the next day.

He spent the following morning on the phone, calling the best poultry experts all over the country, but none could offer a satisfactory explanation as to why a flock of Rhode Island Reds would eat twice as much or produce twice as many eggs as a flock of White Leghorns.

On the verge of giving up, the farmer realized he had wasted a whole morning on the phone, when he should have been out tending his chickens. He hurried out to the huge hen house, where he ran into Jeb, the young farmhand.

“Get up late this morning?” asked Jeb.

The farmer explained, as he had at least twenty times already that day, about the mystery of the chickens, and how he had sought expert advice, to no avail.

Jeb listened, and when the farmer was done talking, said, “Boss, I think I can tell you why the Reds are eating twice as much and laying twice as many eggs as the Whites.”

The blonde farmer smirked, “Oh, really, Jeb? And why would that be?”

“Well, Boss,” said Jeb, “you own twice as many Reds as Whites.”

There was this truckie talking to his boss about the new truck that had arrived and the boss was telling the truckie to take it to depot 1 which was over the other side of the city, telling the truckie,

“Look mate, this is a brand new truck. I want you to take it over to depot one and if you get into any trouble in the least, call me and I’ll sort it out.”

So off the truckie goes and as fate has it he rings his boss 1 hour later telling him,

“Boss I just ran over this huge pig and it’s stuck under the truck. It came out of nowhere!” The boss got worried and asked if there was anything wrong with the truck. On being told there wasn’t, the boss told the truckie to gut the pig then he would be able to drag it out and chuck it in the bushes. So the truckie did and then called back 15 minutes later saying,

“Yeah boss, I gutted the pig and through it in the bushes …but what the hell do I do with his motorbike?”

1. Every time someone calls for a price check, start gobbling like a turkey and run up and down the aisle you’re in until someone asks you what’s wrong. When this happens, walk away passively, cursing under your breath that people are so weird these days.

2. When greeted with a friendly “hello” from your bag-boy, reply, repeating loudly: “No, my name’s not Fred!” while spinning around violently for 30 seconds straight. Try to walk out of the store in a straight line.

3. Squeeze every melon you can see, pretending that each is your boss’s fat head. Squeeze hard. Yell at the melon if you wish.

4. Ask everyone you pass if they’ll take you for a ride in their shopping cart. Smile widely as you speak, and attempt to pop your eyeballs out of your head too.

5. Dance and sing made up lyrics to the ever-playing elevator music as you pick out your tomatoes.

6. Add: “what?” to the end of ALL your sentences.

7. Call everyone “Kimosabi”.

8. Wear your halloween costume. Go with friends, make sure that they are dressed in plain clothes. Speak in a loud voice and strut around.

9. Buy milk and a box of cereal. Go sit in the middle of the pet food aisle and eat it out of the box with your bare hands.

10. Set up a bowling lane with ketchup bottles as pins, chuck grapefruits down the aisle. Watch the store manager’s neck vein pop.

11. Run through the aisles with a pasta strainer on your head, screaming: “The British are coming! The British are coming!”

12. Shoplift cantaloupes, two at a time, hiding them under your shirt. Drop them on the ground right outside the door, turn around, go back in, and take your next two…

13. Pretend that you are ambushing the enemy, and throw fruit at everyone that walks by, slyly hiding behind contest displays.

14. Grab handfuls of uncooked rice from the bulk food bins, and throw it at other customers, yelling: “Congratulations! Congratulations! Happy Honeymoon!” and wipe your eyes sadly.

15. Pick up a giant sausage, and have a mock sword-fight with it. Your opponent: the giant cardboard cutout of Ed MacMahon.

16. Poke the people serving food samples with a stick of french bread. When they turn around to ask you to stop, chase them around the store, waving the bread over your head at them.

17. Throw boxes of frozen TV dinners on the floor and ceremonially cover them in Cheeze Whiz sauce until you are forcefully ejected from the store.

18. Jump on the top of the orange stand and begin a strip dance using the oranges for props.

19. Buy 300 packs of chewing gum and one cantaloupe. Eat the cantaloupe whole (without peeling it) as you wait in line to make your purchase.

20. Try to balance as many packages of bacon as possible on your head. Wear a tutu and talk to the bacon. “Jetté! Jetté damn you!”

George was sitting at his desk and stressing over the upcoming deadlines when his boss came up to him. Their conversation went as follows:

Boss: “George, when is the last time you took a vacation?”

George: “Sir, I don’t have time for a vacation. There is way too much work to be done.”

Boss: “George, I believe you would be more productive if you took some time to get away from your work and relax for a little bit.”

George: “Sir, really I am okay.”

Boss: “George, I going to insist that you take a vacation. As a matter of fact, I know this great litte fishing hole out in the country. Get yourself a fishing pole, a can of worms, and a six pack of beer. Enjoy the afternoon by the lake.”

George tried to explain to his boss that he really didn’t need a vacation, but his boss wouldn’t take no for an answer. George went home, packed a weekend bag, grabbed a fishing pole form the garage and headed out toward the country following the directions his boss gave him to the fishing hole. Along the way, George saw a little country store and remember he needed to buy some worms, so he stop at the store. Inside the store, he had the following conversation with the store clerk:

Clerk: “Howdy, What can I do you for stranger.”

George: “I just need to get some worms to do some fishing.”

Clerk:”Sure thing, you’ll probably be needing some buttermilk too?”

George:”Buttermilk, why would I need buttermilk?”

Clerk:”Well, the snakes are bad this year.”

George:”So what does buttermilk have do with snakes.”

Clerk: “Well, everyone around these parts knows that buttermilk is the best way to draw out the poison if you ever get bit by a snake.”

George: “Never heard of anything of the sort. Besides I don’t plan on getting bit. I’ll just take the worms.”

George paid for the worms and headed off to the fishing hole. Once there, he put a worm on the hook, tossed his line in the lake, relaxed and drank some beer. After about a six pack of beer, he was starting to feel very relaxed, but had to pee. George got up from his spot and went behind a tree and began peeing. Suddenly George heard what sounded like a rattle, looked down and realized he was peeing on a snake. The snake struck out and bit him on the penis. George began to panic. With his penis in his hand and his pants down about his ankle, he began yelling for help. He then saw a house on the other end of the lake. Still holding his penis, he hobbled all the way to the house with his pants still around his ankles. Once at the house, he began to frantically knock on the door. A liitle old lady answered the door. George and the litte old lady had the following conversation:

George: “Ma’am, I need some buttermilk quick! Please, some buttermilk quick!”

The little old lady went back into the house and came back with a glass of buttermilk. George grabbed the glass and stuck his penis in the glass of buttermilk.

Geroge: “Thank you ma’am, you saved my life.”

Old lady: “Sonny, you know I’ve been buried five husbands, and given birth to eight kids. I swear that is the first damn time I ‘ve ever seen that thing reloaded!”