Big 5 Jokes - page 2

50 ways to annoy your roomate

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 3. Twitch a lot. 4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 6. Become a subgenius. 7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG. 8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat.…

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Singer ‘Self Esteem’ Cast as Raging Rock Star, Proving Inner Peace Can Also Shred Guitars

In a casting decision that has us all chuckling into our tea, the artist known professionally as Self Esteem is set to embrace her inner turmoil as a “raging rock star” in a revival of David Hare’s ‘Teeth ’n’ Smiles’. ? It seems even those with stellar self-worth can channel pure, unadulterated stage fury! Rebecca Lucy Taylor, the woman behind the wonderfully ironic moniker, will tackle the role of Maggie in a 50th-anniversary production hitting London in March. Fun fact:…

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Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble:

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble: 10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6 am. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “Kiss” makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou stinketh!” 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.” 5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.” 4. You come upon his secret stash of…

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A Redneck MaMa’s Letter to her Son

Dear Son: Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive. I will write this letter slowly because I know you can’t read fast. First the big news…your Dad heard that most accidents happen close to home so we moved. You won’t know the house when you come home as I can’t send you the address because the last redneck family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn’t have to change their address.…

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Computer…Male or Female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., “Steady as she goes” or “She’s listing to starboard, Captain!”). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion are the followings: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message…

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Bob

There once was a lady named Big Birtha. She decided one day that she wanted to get a tattoo on her butt. Big on one cheek and Birtha on the other. She went to the tattoo parlor and asked how much it would be. The parlor said that it would be $200. Birtha asked how much she could get for $50. The parlor said you can get a B on one cheek and a B on the other. She agreed.…

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Special Courses for Women

Continuing Education Courses For Women 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.. 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.. 3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.. 4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.. 5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.. ] 6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.. 7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.. 8. Valuation:…

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A Man’s View of Marriage

1. The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!” 2. In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested. 3. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. 4. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws. 5. Young son: Is it…

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Go fish

A country lad applied for a salesman job at a city department store. In fact, it was the largest store in the world. The boss asked, “Have you ever been a salesman before?” “Yes, I was a salesman in the country,” said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said. “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come by when we close to see how you’re doing.” The day was long and arduous for the lad, but finally…

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Lessons from Noah’s Ark

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK 1 Don’t miss the boat. 2 Don’t forget we are all in the same boat. 3 Plan ahead, it wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark. 4 Stay fit-when you are 600 years old, someone might just ask you to do something really big. 5 Don’t listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done. 6 For safety’s sake, travel in pairs. 7 Two…

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