Amilia Jokes

The Familial Decision

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! “Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have…

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Doesn’t He Look Familiar?

A notorious convicted felon had escaped from a federal prison and was believed to be hiding out in Arkansas. So the FBI sent out identity photos of the escapee – left profile, full face and right profile – to all the state law enforcement agencies in Arkansas. A couple of weeks later, this reply was sent to the FBI : “We have identified the man on the left and the one on the right but we are still looking for…

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Traffic Violations

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit, when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again–even more slowly. Another flash! He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. “This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought. He planned to mention the…

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Fishin’ for Trouble

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside…

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Company Slogans

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. “Joe,” he asked, “which company has the slogan, ‘Come fly the friendly skies’?” Joe answered with the correct airline. “Brenda, can you tell us which company has the slogan, ‘Don’t leave home without it’?” Brenda answered with the correct credit card company with no difficulty. “Now, John, tell us which company bears the slogan, ‘Just do it!’?” John answered,…

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Rent a room

In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. “Excuse me,” she said to the manager. “My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I’d like a small room for two weeks.” “I’m awfully sorry,” he replied, “but all of our rooms are occupied.” Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out. “What luck,” said…

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The priest

One day a priest woke up and noticed that it was a beautiful day outside. He decides to go golfing. So he calls in and says he is sick and cannot come to work. To make sure nobody knows, he drives to a golf course about 2-3 hours away so he doesn’t meet anyone familiar. At that time, St. Peter is talking to God and he says, “You aren’t going to let him get away with this, are you?” “Oh,…

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Blonde reunion

A blonde was sitting at a bar getting drunk. Another blonde who was also quite drunk stumbled up to her and said, “You look familiar. Are you from around here?” “Why yes,” said the first blonde, “I grew up here.” “I did too,” said the first blonde, “let’s have a drink to the best town in the world!” Down they pour a drink. So, the first blonde says, “I guess that means you went to Johnson High School here? I…

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You MIGHT be a Yankee if….

…You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY! …The sound of Fran Drescher’s voice doesn’t bother you. …For breakfast, you’d rather have potatoes than grits. …You can name at least 4 hockey teams. …You don’t know what a moon pie is. …You’ve never eaten Okra. …You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show. …You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly. …You’ve never had grain alcohol. …You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse. …You have no…

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Everybody’s Free (To Embrace the Dark Side of the Force)

This appeared in a local Sunday magazine recently. For those unfamiliar with the Star Wars saga, James Earl Jones was the voice of that great villain Darth Vader. But those Star Wars fans will surely appreciate this fanciful article : Supposedly James Earl Jones is Vassar College’s Commencement speaker for this year. Oddly, this event coincides with the release of the much awaited “Phantom Menace” and the unexpected popularity of Baz Luhrmann’s “Sunscreen Song” (which, if you haven’t had your…

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