Absence Jokes

New Additions to Periodic Table.

Name:Woman Symbol:WO Atomic weight:(Don’t go there) Physical Properties:Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled. Chemical properties:Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Also able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen. Usage:Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful…

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Read JokeNew Additions to Periodic Table.

Indispensable

When you’re feeling so important And your ego is in bloom When you simply take for granted You’re the wisest in the room When you feel your very absence Would leave a great big hole, Just follow these instructions They will humble any soul. Take a bucket filled with water Put your hand in to the wrist, Pull it out, the hole remaining Is how much you will be missed. Splash wildly when you enter, Stir a lot and splash…

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Read JokeIndispensable

How to read a film

Here are some film phrases to help you in your film viewing. Classic- A really boring movie that no-one likes. Ten Best- The 10 worst movies. (Usually Classics) Landmark- A really, REALLY boring movie. (Like 2001) New-Wave- The directors a lunatic, and no-one can make head or tail of the movie. Review- A biased analysis of a movie made by people who care about things like plot, theme and acting; things that have nothing to do with the enjoyment of…

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Read JokeHow to read a film

New and Improved Policies

Memo To: All Employees Subject: New Policies Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse…

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Read JokeNew and Improved Policies

Dear John

Dear John, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. It was the stupidest thing that I have ever done in my life. I didn’t realize how much I loved you until we were apart! Won’t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you with all my heart! All my love, Sally xxxxoooxxxx P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.

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Read JokeDear John

The Old Dilapidated Boat

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he…

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Read JokeThe Old Dilapidated Boat

Easy Way Of Writing Home

Dear Parent(s), I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us. Please send: __ Money (Cash)! Amount: $_______ __ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________ __ Clean clothes! Relationships: __ What? __ I am in love with myself __ I am in love! __ I am engaged __ I got married last weekend My Roommate: __ Worships the ground I walk on __ Gave me a black eye __ Committed suicide…

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Read JokeEasy Way Of Writing Home