Jokes News

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk.

The barber whispered, “That’s Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you’ll ever meet. Here, I’ll show you.”

“Hey Tommy! Come here!” yelled the barber.

Tommy came bouncing over. “Hi Mr. Williams!”

The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber’s hand.

The barber looked at the businessman and said, “See, I told you.”

After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy down the street and asked him why he chose the dime.

Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, “If I take the quarter, the game is over.”

A young lady went to a dance, wearing a low-cut, strapless gown. Around her neck, she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain. All night she noticed a young man, staring at her.

In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said, “Oh, you like my airplane, huh?”

The young man smiled, mischievously, and said, “No ma’am, I was just admiring the landing field.”

Why are there sooooo many blonde jokes????

A: Because brunettes have nothing better to do on Saturday night.

During the American Civil War, a particular captured Confederate soldier was a hard man to handle.

Constantly, in his soft drawl, he would say, “Anyway, we beat the hell out of you sniveling Yankee dogs at Fredericksburg.”

The Northern sergeant in charge could not punish the impertinent prisoner as he would have liked because there was a drive on at the time to make sure that prisoners were treated humanely. Finally, however, he could stand it no more.

He marched the prisoner out with a squad of soldiers and said, “Listen, you damned Reb, I don’t care if it means my court-martial, but I’m going to have you shot if you don’t swear allegiance to the United States.”

The prisoner, weighing the murder in the sergeant’s eyes, swore allegiance.

“Now,” said the sergeant, “you did this before witnesses. You’re a loyal American. If I hear any snide remarks about the American Army, you’ll be a traitor. It may be against the articles of war to shoot prisoners, but it’s perfectly all right to shoot traitors.”

The ex-Confederate soldier thought about that for awhile, then he said, “Okay, sergeant, but ain’t it a stinking, filthy shame what them damned rebels did to us Yankees at Fredericksburg?”

During the championship ceremony of The Ryder Cup, Leonard noticed that his wife’s bra had a hole on the far side.

He said, “Honey, there’s something amiss with your bra.”

Mrs. Leonard replied, “No Honey, That’s my New Ryder Cup Championship Bra. It’s got a hole in one.”

There was a blonde driving a car, and all was going fine until the car started speeding up it hit a lot of bumps and she was thrown off , but her foot was caught in a wire her head was bouncing dangerously close to the ground. Just when she was about to give up hope, a Walmart employee came out and unplugged the car.

Why does a doctor need to control his temper?

Because he doesn’t want to lose his patients!

Every March 19, without fail, the swallows come back to Capistrano. Ever wonder why?

Maybe it’s to see the human tourists who, without fail, return to Capistrano every March 19.

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) toserve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,” admitted the manager,
“and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Navy man assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time” said the Navy guy.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the sailor explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”