Jokes News

your mama is so stupid she took toilet paper to a crap game.

your mama is so stupid she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.

1. HOTFLASHES
You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. NIGHT SWEATS
The person you sleep with complains about snow piling up on the bed.

3. MOOD SWINGS
Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

4. MEMORY LOSS
You write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

5. IRRITABILITY
Your husband chirps, “Hi honey, I’m home.” and you reply, “Well, if it isn’t Ozzie f—-ing Nelson”.

6. SLEEPLESSNESS
The phenobarbitol dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you 4 hours of decent rest.

7. FATIGUE
You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.

8. MILD INCONTINENCE
You change your underwear after every sneeze.

9. SUDDEN WEIGHT GAIN
You need Jaws Of Life to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.

10. DRYNESS
You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist.

11. FEMALE HORMONE DEFICIENCY
You take a sudden interest in “Wrestlemania”.

12. HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY
You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

Finishing their shopping at the mall, a couple discovers that their brand-new car was stolen. They file a report at the police station, and a detective drives them back to the parking lot to look for evidence.

To their amazement, the car has been returned and there’s a note in it that says “I apologize for taking your car. My wife was having a baby and I hot-wired your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s Shania Twain concert.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attends the concert. But when they return home, they find their house has been ransacked. On the bathroom mirror is another note: “I have to put my kid through college somehow, don’t I?”

After years of overeating, a very obese man finally decided to go to a health club.

A man saw him getting out of the shower and said, “Man, you’re fat! How long has it been since you’ve seen your penis?”

The fat man replied, “A long time.”

The man asked, “Well, why don’t you diet?”

The fat man replied, “Why? What color is it now?”

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting Duck
Interrupting…
Quack Quack!!

This thoroughly modern young couple, more than slightly hung over from last night’s party, were having a mid-afternoon breakfast. What a party that had been! A real swinging affair, no holds barred.

“Darling,” said the husband, “this is … er … slightly embarrassing, but I think I should ask. Was it YOU I made love to in the library last night?”

His wife looked thoughtful for a minute and then said, “About what time?”

Monica: “Did you hear that Hillary changed her name since Bill decided to confess his affairs?”

Pauline: “No, What did she change it to?”

Monica: Sharon Peters! (sharing peters)

After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.

He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.

“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!”

“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too!”

Americans who feel bad about the state of the presidency do not fret. We have come full circle, back to the glory days of the great American Presidents. In just 35 short years we have gone from “Kennedy and Camelot to Clinton and Came-alot”

One young boy asks his father

“Father where do I come from?

Father finds it difficult to explain & says, “Well, we bought you from the shopping complex.”

Boy asks, “… & my brother?”

“Well, you see, we also bought him from the shop,” replies father

“…& what about my sister?” asks the boy

“Well, she too is from the same shop.”

The boy is terribly surprised & asks his father,

“Can’t you fuck, Dad?”