Jokes News

Reporter asks Clinton: Was Monica lying?

Clinton : Nope…She was on her knees!!

1. The teller says, “Welcome to Burger… First State Bank, may I take your order?”

2. Founders: Dowee, Cheetum, and Howe.

3. Interest Rate on loans: 40.99 %

4. Bank run out of double-wide trailer. Which has been blown over FIVE times.

5. Slogan: “We want your money… uh business.”

6. Instead of candy kids get their very own HAPPY pills.

7. All cash deposits go directly into teller’s pants.

8. Valuables safely stored in a Pizza Hut box.

9. After you make a deposit, teller’s high-five each other.

10. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don’t speak English.

One day two Polish men were walking down the road.

One man had a basket with chickens in it.

At that time he said to the other man, “If you can guess how many chickens are in this basket I’ll give you one of them.”

So the other man says “No, I want two chickens.”

So the man with the chickens says, “I’ll tell you what if you can guess how many chickens are in this basket I’ll give you both of them!”

So the other man says three.

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, ‘Is this guy blind, or what?’

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“But, Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”

“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.

“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the sheriff.

“Yes, that’s true….but you have all the equipment.”

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the retirement home with her fist clenched above her head. “Anybody who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight.”

An old man looked up from the pool table and said, “Ummmm, an elephant?”

Bessie thought about it for a second and said, “Close enough!”

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go back to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

The girl watches him and says, “You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says, “Yes…how did you figure that out?”

The girl says, “Easy…you keep washing your hands.”

One thing leads to another, and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, “You must be a GREAT dentist.”

The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, “Yes, I sure am a great dentist…How did you figure that out?”

The girl says, “Easy…I didn’t feel a thing!”

One morning little Johnny comes walking down the stairs to find his breakfast not on the table.
He looks over at his mother and says “Hey mom, where is my breakfast?”
His mother looks at him and says “Well, you won’t get your breakfast until you finish your chores.”
Johnny walks out of the house and heads down to the barn to do his chores.
He goes in an gets the chicken feed and walks into the pens. All the chickens quickly gather aroung him not letting him get to the food bowl so he kicks one of them out of the way and pours it on the ground.
Next, he gets the pig feed and goes in to feed the pigs. Once again, all the pigs gather around him. So, he kicks one out of the way and pours it on the ground.
Finally, he grabs the cow’s feed and walks into the pen and the milk cow corners him. He kicks her out of the way and pours the food on the ground.
Happy that he was finally finished he races into the house to eat breakfast. Upon getting to the table he finds a plate with a piece of toast on it. He turns to his mother and says “Where is the rest of it?”
“Well, you kicked the chickens so you get no eggs, you kicked the pigs so you get no sausage, and you kicked the cow so you get no milk.”
About that time Johnny’s father comes walking down the stairs and finds the pussy cat sitting right in the middle of the stair case. So, he kicks him out of the way.
Little Johhny turns to his mother and says “You want me to tell him or are you going to?”

What do a condom and a coffin have in common?

They both contain stiffs - except one is coming and one is going…

What have you done wrong if your wife comes out of the kitchen to bitch at you?

Made the chain too long.