Jokes News

A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with crap, crossed her path.

“Oh, dear,” exclaimed the lady, “Come on, I’ll clean you!” She took a Kleenex from her purse and did a good cleaning.

She walked on a little farther and another duck, with crap all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird.

Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem. And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale.

She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling, “Hey, lady!”

“Yes?” she responded.

“Do you have a Kleenex?” asked the voice from the bushes.

“No, not anymore,” she answered.

“Too bad, I’ll have to use another duck.”

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. The priest turns to the rabbi and asks “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responds “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”

The priest then asks “Have you ever eaten pork?”

“Yes,” replies the rabbi, “On one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork. Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celebate?”

“Yes, rabbi”, says the priest, “That is still very much a part of our faith.”

“I see,” nods the rabbi, “and have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

“Yes,” replies the priest, “On one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The rabbi nods understandingly for a moment and then says “A lot better than pork, isn’t it?”

Bill buys a parrot for his family in the White House one day.

So they go on a vacation and Bill tells the secret service to keep good care of it.

While away the bird dies, so the secret service go in and out of every pet shop looking for a new parrot.

One agent goes into a pet shop and sees the same exact bird. Markings and everything.

So he goes to the owner and says, “Sir, I need to buy that parrot over there.”

The owner goes, “I’m sorry I can’t sell you that parrot.”

“But I need to have that parrot, I’ll pay anything.”

“I’m sorry I can’t give you that parrot, it came from a whore house.”

“I’ll pay anything just give me that damn parrot.”

So he gets the parrot and takes it to the White House. A week later the Clintons come home.

Hillary walks into the room where the parrot is. “Ugly Bitch, ugly bitch.” Hillary looks around, “who taught you that?” The parrot doesn’t say anything.

Chelsey walks in. “Fuck you, Fuck you.” Chelsy looks around, “Who taught you that?” “Fuck you.”

Bill walks in. “HI BILL.”

A Sunday School teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he with just two worms?”

A couple goes back to their original honeymoon hotel for a celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary.

After all the family festivities they retire to the original room they stayed in on their honeymoon night 50 years prior.
The woman is done with her bathroom antics and her husband takes her place for his turn to get ready.

The elderly man takes quite awhile in the bathroom, as is his norm, and his wife spends the time figuring out the best way to look the most seductive when he comes back out of the bathroom.

She tries on several nighties, some pajamas, sexy undies, a nice teddy with lace trim. Finally she decides that naked and ready would be the best bet, so she lies back on the bed and aims her lower torso towards the bathroom door. As soon as the door to the bathroom opens she raises her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband steps into the room, takes one look at his wife and immediately bursts into racking sobs.

“Aw, honey. What’s wrong? Do you love me so much it brings you to tears?” she asks.

“No,” he sobs, “Fifty years ago I couldn’t wait to eat that. Now it looks like it wants to eat me!”

This old guy named Joe invested in Microsoft stock in the early eighties and just died a wealthy man. He had no family, so his business associates were at the reading of his will, where it was learned that the old man wanted to be buried with most of his money.

His banker, pastor, and lawyer were each given envelopes with $500,000 cash with the instructions to deposit the money in the casket at the funeral. Three days later at the service, the envelopes were put in the casket.

The next day, the three met for lunch. The pastor said that was an odd request, to be buried with all of that money. The others agreed.

The lawyer asked the banker, “Did you put all of that money in the casket?”

The banker said, “Of course I did. It was my legal responsibility to do so!”

The banker then asked the pastor, “Did you put all of that money in the casket?”

The minister said that he was going to, but he thought of all the good causes in the community and gave most of the money to them. He said that he hoped the Lord would forgive him, but that it made more sense to let homeless shelters and other agencies use that money wisely rather than simply having it buried.

The pastor then turned to the lawyer and asked if she put the money in the casket.

She said “If that casket is ever opened, rest assured that they will find my personal check for the full $500,000 made out to old Joe.”

Two plumbers, Bob and Phil, went bar-hopping every week together, and every week like clockwork, Bob would go home with a woman while Phil went home alone.

One week Phil had had enough and asked Bob for his secret to picking up women. “That’s easy,” said Bob. “When you’re out on the dance floor and she leans in and asks you what you do for a living, don’t tell her you’re a plumber. Tell her you’re a lawyer.”

Later Phil is dancing with a woman when she leans in and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a lawyer,” says Phil. The woman smiles and asks, “Want to go to my place? It’s right around the corner.” They go to her place and fifteen minutes later Phil’s back in the bar telling Bob about his success.

“I’ve only been a lawyer fifteen minutes,” Phil snickers, “And I’ve already screwed someone!”

Once, there were three nuns who always did what the priest told them to do.

One day, the priest said, “You three have been very good. You can each go out and do one bad thing.” So, the nuns left.

After about one hour, the first nun came back.
“I ran over a kids’ bike,” she said. “Your sins are forgiven. Go drink of the holy water,” the priest said.

Then, another nun came back.
“I beat up the kid,” she said. “Your sins are forgiven. Go drink of the holy water,” the priest said.

Finally, the last nun came back, laughing.
“Calm down,sister!” the priest said. “By the way, what did you do?”

The nun replied, “I peed in the holy water.”