Jokes News

Two hookers were standing on the street corner when one of them said, “Hey Gladys, ever been picked up by the FUZZ?”

She replies, “No, but I’ve been swung by the titties.”

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to have his way with us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!

Did you hear that the Hershey Chocolate Company of Hershey, PA will be opening up a plant in Paris?

Pretty soon, the chocolatier will be producing the world’s first FRENCH “KISSES”!

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hanger in New York Airport; it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

“Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that’ll kinda give you a buzz.” So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time.

The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact he feels great- No hangover!

The phone rings and it’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”

He said, “I feel great! and the buddy says, “No hangover.”

“We ought to do this more often.”

“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing.”

“What’s that?”

Did you fart yet?”

“What??”

“Did you FART yet?”

“No…”

“Well, DON’T, cause I’m in Phoenix!!”

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world’s first professional.

The Doctor said, “It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world’s first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?”

“No,” said the rabbi. “It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.”

“Wait,” said the engineer. “The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter chaos?”

“Yes, but who created the chaos?” asked the lawyer….

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986

My Darling,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a “partridge in a pear tree”. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. You’re an angel.

With all my love and devotion,
Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
Dec. 15, 1986

Darling,
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine “Two turtle doves”. I’m delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I love you for them.

All my love,
Agnes

Dec. 16, 1986

Dear Fred,
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity as “Three French hens”. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.

Love,
Agnes

Dec. 17, 1986

Dear Fred,
Today the postman delivered “Four calling birds”. Now really, they are beautiful but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

Dec. 18, 1986

Dearest Fred,
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the “Five golden rings”; one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

Dec. 19, 1986

Dear Fred,
I couldn’t believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front porch and there were “Six geese a laying” on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. I love your thoughtfulness, but…please stop!

Cordially,
Agnes

Dec. 20, 1986

Fred,
What’s with you and those f#@! birds?? Today I received “seven swans a swimming”. What kind of a joke is this? These birds crapped all over the house and they never stop with that racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. Knock it off, OK?

Sincerely,
Agnes

Dec. 21, 1986

OK buster,
I think I prefer the birds to this torture. What the hell am I going to do with “Eight maids a milking”? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids to feed, but they had to bring their damn cows! There is manure all over the lawn and I can’t even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart-guy!

Agnes

Dec. 22, 1986

Hey butthead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now I’ve got “Nine pipers playing” and lord do they play! They haven’t stopped chasing those maids since they’ve arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over the birds. What the hell am I going to do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.

You’ll get yours, bastard,

Dec. 23, 1986

You Rotten Prick,
Who in hell needs “Ten ladies dancing”?? I can’t imagine why I call these tramps “ladies”. They’ve been up messing with the pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and all the bloody racket around here has given them diarrhea. My living room is a river of manure! The Commisioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned! I’m sicking the police on you, pal!

One who means it!

Dec. 24, 1986

Listen good.
What’s with the “Eleven lords a leaping” on those maids and ladies? Some of these poor women may never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids, and are starting to eye the cows. All 23 birds are dead…they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you vicious jerk.

Lay the hell off.

Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL

December 26, 1986

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift “Twelve fiddlers fiddling” which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared through this office.
I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happydale Private Hospital, the attendants of that institution have instructions to shoot you on sight for the sake of our client’s mental stability. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Season’s Greetings,

J. Frank Cahole

Attorney

A married couple, trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle, went to this party. The conversation turned to Mozart. “Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!”

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, “Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning, I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island.”

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, “We’re leaving right now. Get your coat, and let’s get out of here.”

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally, his wife turned to him. “You’re angry about something.”

“Oh, really? You noticed?” he sneered. “I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don’t you know the No. 5 bus doesn’t even go OUT to Coney Island?”

A teacher was taking a station wagon full of nursery children to school when a firetruck zoomed past them. In the front seat of the fire truck was a dalmatian.

The children then started to discuss what the dalmation was for.

One girl said, “The firemen use the dalmatian to control the crowd of people at the fire scene.”

“The dalmatian’s there for good luck,” another girl chimed in.

“You’re both wrong!” said a little boy. “The firemen need the dalmatian to find the fire hydrant.”

A Guy walks into a strip joint sees a door that says: “$25.00 to get screwed by big Mama.”

So the Guy says what the hell and puts $25.00 in the slot. He goes in the door and there is another sign that says: “$75.00 to get screwed by big Mama”.

So he puts in $75.00 and opens the door.
Sure enough, there is another door that tells him to put $120.00 in the slot and he wil get screwed by big Mama.

He puts the rest of his money in and opens the door which leads him outside of the strip joint to a sign that says ” You have Just Been Screwed By Big Mama!!”

“I have good news, and I have bad news,” spake Moses as he returned from the peaks of Mt. Sinai. “The good news is that God has reduced the commandments to ten. The bad news is that adultry’s still in.”