Jokes News

A true story . . . .

When Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind” statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the “Good luck Mr. Gorsky” statement meant.

A few months ago, (July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbor’s bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick it up, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

It’s more than obvious: The high technology of the information age isn’t for everyone.

Consider the man standing by the office fax machine and scratching his head when a co-worker walks by.

“Do you know anything about this fax machine?” the puzzled fellow asks.

“A little. What’s wrong?”

“Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.”

“How did you load the sheet?” the other worker asks.

“Well, it’s confidential, so I folded it in half, like this, so no one else could read it.”

A couple decide to go to a Halloween party one year.
So they dressed up as two cows and headed out for the party..

While on their way, the car broke down and they were stranded.

As the man walked around the car kicking and cussing , He noticed the house they were going to was just accross the pasture.

“Well,” said the man. “I guess we can walk through the pasture and be there in a minute or two and we’ll pick up the car later”.

“OK,” says his wife.

So they head out across the pasture to the house.
About half way accross the pasture she sees a bull stomping and snorting about 100 yards from them.

“OH Dear!” she says “What are we going to do now?”

The man replies, “I’m going to act as if I’m grazing,
But, if I were you, I’d brace myself!”

Q: Why do blondes like sunroofs?

A: More “Leg” room!

A man phones the dentist and asks,
“Can I have an appointment to take a tooth out?”
The dentist replies, “Yes, I can fit you in at 4pm, it will cost $50.”
“I can’t afford that, can’t you do it cheaper?”
“Well, if you come at 5pm, the receptionist has left, so I don’t have to pay her wages, $40.”
“Still too much.”Come at 6pm, There’s no electricity, it’ll be dark. $30.” I still can’t afford it.”
” Come at 7pm, However, I won’t have any anaesthetic, so it will be really painfull, the tooth will just be pulled out, there could be serious bleeding, I can do that for $15.” “Fine, I’ll tell the wife to come at 7 pm then.”

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches & pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friends limited education and never correct him/her,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, or politics,

Then, my friend,

You are ALMOST as good as your dog!

Judi went to Sherry’s place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home.

Sherry asked, “Well, what happened when you got there?”

Judi said, “After sex the S.O.B. called me a slut!”

“What did you do then?” Sherry asked, somewhat shocked.

Judi said, “I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and take his eight friends with him!”

One night Little Jimmy couldn’t sleep, so he goes and walks to his parents room. The door was opened up a crack. Little Jimmy looks in and sees his mother on top of the father bouncing up and down. So Little Jimmy, thinking they were busy, he went back to his bed and went to sleep.

The next morning, Little Jimmy asks his mother why she was bouncing up and down on Daddy. Suprised of what her son had said, the mother replies, “Ah, well your father is fat, so I thought I’d bounce on him, so he can lose some weight!”

Then Little Jimmy replies, “I don’t know why you do that for.” The mother asks, “Why!!!?”

Little Jimmy says, “Well because, every time you leave for work, the lady next door comes and blows him back up.”

A thermodynamics professor had written atake home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

“Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, “That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

A group of sisters from a local convent were out for their Sunday bike ride through the suburbs. They were quite a sight–seven in a row on one of those seven- seater tandem bikes, headed, of course, by Mother Superior.

They went over a speed bump. In unison, they all let out an excited “OOOOOOOOOO!”

Mother Superior turned around and looked at them sternly. She admonished the nuns, “Sisters, you must quiet down!”

They went over another bump, “OOOOOOOO!”

Mother Superior again turned around and warned, “Sisters, PLEASE! You’re making a spectacle out of us!”

When they hit another bump, . “OOOOOOOO! they said in unison.

Mother Superior turned around and gruffly said, “Sisters, this is you last warning. One more OOOOOOOO! out of you, and we are going to have to put the seats back on!”