Jokes News

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly for the winter. However , soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard ,almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sound. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2. Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarly your friend. 3. And, if you’re warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

Now let’s see here if I understand all this correctly…

President Clinton has ordered our forces to engage an entrenched, politically motivated enemy, backed by the Russians, on their home ground, in a foreign civil war, in difficult terrain, with limited military objectives, bombing restrictions, boundary and operational restrictions, queasy allies, far across the ocean, with uncertain goals, without prior consultation with Congress, the potential for escalation, while limiting the forces at his disposal, and the majority of Americans opposed to or at least uncertain about the value of the action being worth American lives.

So just what was it exactly that he was opposed to in Vietnam?

The teacher asked who in the class could define the word “indifferent.” Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “That’s easy, it means it feels so good.”

The teacher asked how he came up with that definition, and Johnny said, “I was up in my room last night, and my sister and her boyfriend were down on the porch, and I heard her say, ‘That feels so good’ and her boyfriend said, ‘That’s cause it’s in different.’”

Becoming President of the United States, just think 8 billion people and I’m fucking all of them.

Two foreign men take a trip to the US.

During the trip one man says to the other “I hear they eat dogs in this country, maybe we should eat some dogs too so we can fit in”

So the two men walk up to a hot dog stand and order two hot dogs. When they recieve them, the first man opens his up, looks inside, and says to his freind “what part did you get!”

I dreamed that Bill Gates and I both died on the same day, and we went to hell. I felt that there must have been some kind of mistake, so I went to talk to Satan and asked if there was any way to get out of hell.

Satan said, “Well there is one way…you have to find the ugliest, nastiest looking woman in hell and make mad passionate love to her, and then you might be able to get out of hell.”

I was willing to make the sacrifice, so I found the ugliest woman in hell and started making love to her. I looked up and noticed Bill Gates…he was making love to a gorgeous sexy blonde.

I went to Satan and asked, “How come Bill is making love to that beautiful blonde?”

Satan said, “She’s trying to get out of hell too.”

Q: What is the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

A: spitting, swallowing, and gargling

One day, President Clinton calls up the White House’s interior decorator and angrily complains, “My daughter Chelsea says she has the ugliest room in the White House. I want you to do something about this right now. I don’t want the little darling to be this upset.

“Yes, Mr. President, ” says the interior decorator. “I will take down all those mirrors right away.”