Jokes News

I recently received an accident report from a nurse about an elderly man who had fallen from bed during the night (true account).

The incident description was as follows:

“Heard a noise from the side ward and on investigation found Mr.N had fallen out of bed. There were no obvious injuries and he was able to get back into bed with two nurses.”

An Englishman, a German, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in a London pub, trading stories about how dumb their wives are.

“My wife,” says the Englishman, “is so dumb that she spent $300 on frozen pork chops because they were on sale, and we don’t even have a freezer.”

The German says, “Oh yah? My vife chust bought skis, und ve liff no vhere near a mountain.”

The Scotsman says, “Aye, lad, that’s prrrety dumb, but my wife just bought a car and she canna drive.”

The Irishman starts laughing at his own wife’s stupidity and says, “Ah, me wife is a total idiot. Yesterday she was packing her bag for a trip to America. She threw in a box of condoms and she don’t even have a penis.”

What do you call ten barbie dolls standing in a line?

A Barbeque (Barbie queue)

A traveling salesman had been on the road for two months and was finally on his way home. Feeling bad about having been away from his children so long, he decided to buy them a gift. So he stopped by a pet store and bought them a cute little puppy.

Unfortunately, he was stopped on his way in by a stewardess who told him, “I’m sorry, Sir, but we don’t allow animals.”

In desperation, the man popped into the men’s room and stuffed the puppy down the front of his pants, and put his overcoat on to cover it up. Then he re-boarded the plane.

The plane took off, and a half-hour later, the stewardess was making her rounds when she noticed that the salesman was looking pale and fidgeting in his seat. She asked if he was all right, and he said that he was just feeling a little airsick.

However, fifteen minutes later, she noticed that he was sweating and squirming in his seat. The stewardess came back and asked again if the salesman was all right.

He answered, “Well, actually, you know that puppy that you said I couldn’t bring on the plane? I stuffed it in my pants and brought it on board anyway.”

“But Sir,” said the stewardess, “why do you look so ill?”

“Well, apparently the darn thing isn’t weaned yet.”

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks “If I drive 100 mph will you take off your clothes?” and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flipped over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend’s clothes. All that is free of the car is the girlfriend and one of his shoes.

The man yells, “You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.”

His girlfriend says, “Are you kidding me? I’m naked.”

“Well” replies the man “Take my shoe over there cover up your pussy and go get help.”

So the woman covers her pussy with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant, “You have to help me. My boyfriend’s trapped”

“I’m sorry ma’am” the attendant replies, “he’s too far in.”

What do you call a blonde in university?

LOST!!!!!!

Two drunks driving down the road.

First drunk said, “We’re getting closer to town.”

The second drunk said, “How can you tell?”

First drunk said, “‘Cause we are hitting more people.”

One day there was a lady who wanted to have her wallpaper put up. She didn’t feel like learning how, so she hired a contractor.

The contractor came out for the estimate, and she told him that she wanted red in the living room. The man wrote it down and yelled out of an open window “GREEN SIDE UP!”.
The lady was a bit shocked, needless to say. She thought the man was a little peculiar.

The dining room was next, and she wanted white in here, which is what she told him. He wrote it down, and went into the living room and yelled out of the window “GREEN SIDE UP!” The lady gave him a strange look and they walk into the hall.

She tells him she wants orange in here, he writes it down and goes to the living room and yells out the window “GREEN SIDE UP!”. Now the woman got angry.

“What do you keep yelling ‘GREEN SIDE UP!’ for?”

“Well, I’m sorry but I got a couple blondes over across the street laying sod.”

So this man was helping his best friend move to a new house. He groaned as he helped a large couch. “Look,” his friend said helpfully, “at least you are developing your muscles.”

“Yeah,” replied the friend, wryly, “either that or a hernia.”

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station…

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

If Stop & Shop and the A&P were to merge would it be called Stop & P?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

I don’t have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?