Jokes News

a.. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
b.. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
c.. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole
d.. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
e.. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
f.. You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
g.. DON’T PISS ME OFF!!!!!! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
h.. JESUS SAVES..They Pass It To Gretzky..He Shoots..He scores!
i.. Jesus is coming! Look busy!
j.. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
k.. Save Your Breath … You’ll need it to blow up your date!
l.. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
m.. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
n.. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN
o.. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
p.. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
q.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
r.. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
s.. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
t.. I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
u.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
v.. All men are idiots….I married their king.
w.. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
x.. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
y.. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
z.. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
aa.. Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.
ab.. Hang up and drive.
ac.. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
ad.. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
ae.. Where there’s a will…I want to be on it.
af.. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
ag.. Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
ah.. We are born naked, wet, and hungry….Then things get worse.
ai.. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
aj.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
ak.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
al.. Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.
am.. Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.
an.. Honk If You Want To See My Finger

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Are you a manly man?

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequlia slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don’t miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just has sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) no concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym.
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship
a) “I hope we can still be friends
b) “i’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep”
c) “Welcome to dumpsville; population YOU”

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Evaluating the results:

If you answered “a” more than 7 times: Check your pants to see if you really are a man
If you answered “b” more than 7 times: Check into therapy, you’re a little confused
If you answered “c” more than 7 times: “YOU DA MAN!”

A man walked into a doctor’s office, and said, in a very, very deep and bellowing voice “Doctor, I hate my voice, it’s too deep. Can you do anything about it?”

The doctor replied “Well, let’s see. Pull down your pants. Ah, there’s the problem. Your penis is 14 inches long. The extra weight is pulling down, which is stretching out your vocal chords. That is why you have a deep voice”.

“Can you do any thing about it?” replied the man in his deep voice.

“Well, I could cut 8 inches off of your penis, that should relieve the pressure, and your voice should be normal”

“Yes doc, do it now!” bellowed the man.

A week later the man had a follow-up appointment. When he saw the doctor, he said, in a normal voice, “Doc! Thanks! I love my new voice. There is only one problem. I can’t please my wife anymore. Could you please put a few inches back?”

In a very, very deep voice, the doctor said, “No, I’m afraid that wouldn’t be possible.”

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says:
“Yes you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct and yet it’s of no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must work in management.”

“I do,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “You don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help; and you’re in the same position as you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.

How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?

Nobody knows, it’s never been done!

Lyricist Ira Gershwin was a keen poker player, but very unlucky. After a particularly disastrous evening, he announced to his friends: “I take an oath. I’ll never pick up a card again.” After a moment’s pause, he added, “Unless, of course, I have guests who want to play….Or, unless I am a guest in another man’s house.” He paused again. “Or whatever circumstances arise.”

what is a similarity between a girl and a rock?………..

………If they are flat, you can skip ‘em.

There was this guy who was out at a club one night. He wanted to find a lady of the night. He spotted a beautiful woman at the end of the bar. So, he walks up to her and says, “How are you this evening?”

“Fine,” she replies, “I’m just out relaxing, having a few drinks.”

So, the guy says “I was wondering if you’d like to be my lady of the night.”

She says, “Well, I would, but I’m on my menstrual cycle”

He says, “Oh that’s okay, you can follow me … I’m on my mo-ped.”