Jokes News

Q. What do Star Trek and a roll of toilet paper have in common?

A. They both hang around Uranus, looking for Klingons.

There is a new viagara drug on the market in the form of eye drops.
It does not do anything for your sex life but it will make you look hard.

Q. What does Monica Lewinsky keep in her pocket?

A. A Wad of Bill’s

Once there was this woman who was, sad to say, very flat chested. Year after year of seeing beautiful, large-breasted women walking away with handsome guys finally got the best of her. She decided that she would have large tits at any cost.

At first she went to a breast treatment center and asked for larger breasts. After several weeks, despite all the injections and fillers they had given her, her breasts were no larger. She despaired. She went everywhere, but everything she tried came to no avail.

So she went home and cried and prayed for larger tits. After several days of this, during one praying session, there was this sudden poof, and her Fairy Godmother appeared before her.

Well, Dearie, you want larger tits, do you?”

“OH, YES, OH, YES, please Fairy Godmother, give me bigger tits. I beg you!” the woman implored.

“Okay, okay, calm down. I’ll do it, if you promise to stop bothering me. Promise?” the Fairy Godmother asked.

“Yes, I promise!!”

“Okay, then. Shish, swoosh, swash, liffiday-loffiday, balsshac, boom! There! Now, Dearie, whenever anyone says, ‘Pardon’ to you, your tits will grow one inch. Fine? Bye, Dearie.” And with a flash and the smell of burnt hair, the Fairy Godmother left.

Of course, the lady wanted to try out her Godmother’s spell, immediately. She then ran out of her apartment and, seeing some unlucky passerby, collided with him and promptly fell to the ground. “Oh, pardon me! I’m so sorry, are you all right?”

Aaaauuuuummmpp! Her tits bulged forward an inch. “No, I’m fine,” she laughed, as she ran back into her apartment. She inspected her breasts. Sure enough, they were actually one inch larger; in fact, exactly one inch!

She decided to try again the next day. At work the following morning, she contrived to bump the manager and spill her coffee into her lap. “Pardon me! Here, let me help clean you up,” the manager said.

Zzzzuuuummmpp! Her tits jumped forward another inch. “Oohhh, I’ll clean up myself.” She ran into the women’s bathroom and gleefully examined her breats. Two inches!!
“I’ve got to celebrate.”

That night, she went to a posh Chinese restaurant. “I’ll treat myself to the best. After all, I could easily beat out Dolly Parton by tomorrow. I’ll be famous!” As she sat there, a waiter passed by, carrying an armful of aromatic dishes. She stretched, delighting in the feel of her newfound breasts, . . . and her arm banged into the waiter’s midsection.

The waiter fell with an audible, “Oooff!!!” sending dishes and sauces all over her. Groveling, the waiter said to the lady, “A thousand pardons . . . .”

An American and an Englishman are sharing the same compartment on a train trip to London from Paris. During their conversation, the American criticizes the arrogance of the English people. He says to the Englishmen, “You people have such stiff upper lips that you think your people are the superior race in the world. You tend to look down on people not the same as you are. As for me, I’m proud to say that I’m a quarter Irishman, two fifths French, one sixth American Indian, a fifth Jamaican Black and a little German.”

Without batting an eyelash, the Englishman just nods and comments, “How sporting of your mother.”

A couple was enjoying a romantic dinner, celebrating their 35th anniversary when the husband says to his wife, “Honey, it’s wonderful having been married to you for 35 years, but there is one thing I’ve often wondered and have never known for sure. Have you been true to me throughout our married years?”

She suddenly gets this flushed look upon her face as responds, “Does it really matter? What really counts is that we have been happy and we’ll be together the rest of our lives.”

“Yes, I know,” he answers, “and it really doesn’t matter. I would just like to satisfy my curiosity.”

“Well, to be honest, I did mess around, somewhat,” she replies.

“How many times?” he wants to know.

“Three times,” she responds.

“After 35 years, I guess that’s not too bad,” he replies. “And with who?”

“You remember the time when we didn’t have enough money to close on the down payment for our first house?” she queries.

“Ah, with the banker!’ he surmises.

“That’s correct,” she answers.

“And do you remember the time we were in desperate straits when you needed back surgery and we couldn’t afford it?” she confesses.

“Ah, with the surgeon,” he responds.

‘That’s right,” she stammers.

“And when was the other time?” he asked.

“Well, you remember when you wanted to join the country club?” she asked rather squeamishly.

“Yes,” he answers.

“And you needed 210 votes…”

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course, the English man’s wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers!

The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. “Well darling,” she explained, “you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices.” The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a ten spot. Go to Mark’s and Spencer’s and get some knickers.”

Two holes further along the Irish Man’s wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again, her skirt was up over her head, revealing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

“Well darling,” she explained, “you give me so little allowance, I cannot afford to buy undergarments.”

With that, the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a five spot. Go to Woolworth’s and get some knickers.”

Three holes further on, the Scottish man’s wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others: Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit.”