Jokes News

A Sunday School teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would absorb the drama.

Then she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”

A thoughtful, little girl broke the hushed silence. “I think I’d throw up.”

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble:

10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6 am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “Kiss” makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou stinketh!”

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”

5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.”

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: “Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain’t listening.”

2. Was recently pulled over for “trotting under the influence of cottage cheese.”

…and the Number One Sign Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble…

1. He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.

Sex is like math: Add the bed. Subtract the clothes. Divide the legs. Multiply!

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows 2000
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

Dear Son:

Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive. I will write this letter slowly because I know you can’t read fast.

First the big news…your Dad heard that most accidents happen close to home so we moved. You won’t know the house when you come home as I can’t send you the address because the last redneck family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

About your father…he has a lovely new job where he is over 500 men. He is cutting grass in the cemetery.

There is a washing machine in the house where we live now, but it ain’t working too good. Last week I put in 14 shirts and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them shirts since.

It only rained twice this week: Three days the first time and four the second time.

The coat that you wanted me to send you. Your Aunt Sue said it would be a little to heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether its a boy or a girl so I can’t tell you if your an Aunt or an Uncle.

Your Aunt Olga gave up the birth control pill when your Uncle John bought a condominium.

Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at the Norska Brewery. Some of the fellow workers dived in to save him but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body and it took three days to put out the fire.

On the other hand, your father hasn’t drank since Christmas…I put a pint of Castor Oil in his beer and it kept him going till New Years.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick up. One was driving, they other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Went to Doctor yesterday and your father went with me. Doc put a small tube in my mouth and said not to open it for ten minutes. Your father wanted to buy the tube.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.

Love,
Ma

PS I was going to send you $10.00 but had already sealed the envelope.

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.

The doctor says, “I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people.

St. Peter replies, “That’s great. Go ahead into heaven. And what about you?”

The nurse states, “I have supported the Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult, have taken time to explain things to patients and have helped them lead healthy lives.”

“Wonderful! Please proceed in with the Doctor. And what about you?”

The HMO executive says, “I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance Organization. I was responsible for the health care of millions of people all over the country.”

St. Peter says, “Oh, I see. Please go on in …but you can only stay two nights!”

A farmer lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.

“I don’t care, just do something about these drivers.”

So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later, the farmer again called the sheriff and said, “That sign didn’t help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens.”

So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

Again, no change. So the farmer called and called, every day for three weeks.

Finally, he told the sheriff, “Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?”

The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, let’s see if yours works better.” He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls.

Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. After three weeks, he decided to call the farmer and see how things were going. “Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, “I’d better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers…”

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer’s house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, “Give me Liberty, or give me death?” She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up, “Patrick Henry, 1775,” said the boy.

“Now,” said the teacher, “Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?” Again, no response except from Toshiba, “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do.”

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: “Damned Japanese.” “Who said that?” she demanded. Toshiba put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982,” he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba’s classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, “I’m gonna throw up”. Teacher says “who said that?”. Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says “George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991″.

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Well suck my c**k!”
Once again, it’s Toshiba with the answer, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997″.

One evening, Dr. Watson paid an unexpected call on Holmes.

“Is he expecting you?” asked the housekeeper.

“No,” said Watson, “but I just need to speak with him for a minute.”

“I don’t know what he’s up to,” said the housekeeper, “but he left very strict instructions not to be disturbed until nine o’clock”.

“I’ll wait downstairs in the library,” replied Watson.

A few minutes later, Watson heard the unmistakable sound of girlish laughter coming from the detective’s bedroom, followed by shrieks of excitement from Holmes. As nine o’clock approached, Watson could hardly contain his curiosity. Finally, Holmes came down the stairs, accompanied by a pretty dark-haired young girl in a school blazer and plaid skirt.

As soon as she left, the good doctor cried out, “Holmes, just what kind of schoolgirl was that?”

“Elementary, my dear Watson.”

While playing poker with his buddies at the home of his friend Eddie one Sunday evening, Dan happened to drop a dollar bill to the floor. As he bent down to pick up the dollar bill under the poker table, he happened to look directly at the shapely legs of Eddie’s wife, Mona, who was seated on a chair near the poker table. Sensing that Dan was staring at her legs, Mona slyly parted her legs revealing that she was not wearing any underwear at all! A surprised Dan quickly got up and excused himself to get a drink from the kitchen. Mona also got up and followed Dan into the kitchen.

When the two of them were alone in the kitchen, Mona made her move. “You know, Dan, I’ve always wondered how great you might be in the sack.”

“Me too,” Dan blurted out. “I mean, making love to you, of course.”

“Well if you want to find out, come back here tomorrow afternoon at four and bring a thousand bucks.” said Mona seductively. “Don’t worry, I’m worth every cent of it. You won’t regret it.”

Dan just nodded as he returned to the poker game.

The next afternoon at exactly four o’clock, Dan was knocking at the door and Mona opened it quickly. She said, “I knew you couldn’t resist me! Got the thousand bucks?” Dan waved a wad of greenbucks and Mona smiled as she counted the bills greedily and pocketed the money, “C’mon loverboy! Let the games begin!” And they proceeded to have great hot sex in the bedroom. After they were through, Dan got up to get dressed and he thanked Mona for the good time before leaving.

A few minutes after Dan left, Eddie came home from work. He asked his wife, “Hey Mona! Did Dan come by the house this afternoon?”

Mona was so surprised that she blurted out, “Why, yes, he was here! What did he tell you?”

“He told me that he’s gonna give you a thousand bucks.”

“W-w-well, he d-d-did..” stammered Mona.

“Well good! That’s what he promised to do when he borrowed that thousand bucks from me last night!”