Jokes News

This kid just got his driver’s license and decides to take his dad for a ride. As his dad enters the back seat of the car, he settles in right behind the driver’s seat.

“So”, says junior, “ready for a different view?”

“Nope”, says the father, “I plan on kicking the seat the whole time just so you’d know how it feels.”

A Scottish atheist was spending a quiet day fishing in the lake when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both.

As the Scotsman sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“God, come on, give me a break!” the man pleaded, “Just seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusally fancy phone on a side table in the Pope’s private chambers.

“What is that phone for?” he asks the pontiff.

“It’s my direct line to the Lord.” The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

After hanging up the Rabbi says, “Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges.”

The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says, “All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira” ($56). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.

A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi’s chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.

The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi’s phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment.

After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter. 1 Shekel 50″ ($0.42).

The Pope looks surprised, “Why so cheap?” The Rabbi smiles, “Local call.”

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
Old Santa was pissed,
He cussed out the elves,
And threw down his list,
“Miserable little pricks,
Ungrateful little jerks,
I have good mind,
To scrap the whole works!

I’ve busted my ass,
For damn near a year,
Instead of ‘Thanks Santa,’
What do I hear?
The old lady bitches,
‘Cause I work late at night,
The elves want more money,
The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk,
And goosed all the maids,
Donner is pregnant,
And Vixen has AIDS,
And just when I thought,
That things would get better,
Those assholes from IRS,
Sent me a letter!

They say I owe taxes,
If that ain’t damn funny,
Who the hell ever,
Sent Santa Claus money?
And the kids these days,
They all are the pits,
They want the impossible,
(Those mean little shits!)

I spent a whole year,
Making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls,
Their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo yo’s,
No request for them,
They want computers and robots,
Like, I’m IBM?

If you think that’s bad,
Just try to picture this,
Try holding those brats,
With their pants full of piss!
They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard,
And if I don’t smile,
Mom & Dad think I’m weird!

Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys,
And skinning my knees,
I’m quitting this job,
There’s just no enjoyment,
I’ll sit on my fat ass,
And draw unemployment.

There’s no Christmas this year,
Now, you know the reason,
I found me a blonde,
I’m going SOUTH for the season!!!”

Do you know how to pass an elephant under the door?
Put him in an envelope…

What if it doesn’t fit?
Take off the seal…

How do you hide an elephant in an strawberry field?
Paint his nails red…

How do you make an elephant not pass by the door?
Make a knot in his tail…

How do you know that there is an elephant in the pool?
There is a round pair of shoes beside the pool…

How does an elephant leave the pool?
Wet…

What is the most sexual part of an elephant?
The feet, he fucks everything he steps on…

What is an elephant up in a tree?
One elephant less on land…

What are two elephants up in a tree?
Two elephants less on land?!?!
No… One more elephant up in a tree…

What are three elephants up in a tree?
Two less elephants on land or one more up in a tree?!?!
No… One less tree on the world.

What did the elephant say when he saw the giraffe going down the hill?
Look! Here comes the giraffe going down the hill…

What did the elephant say when he saw the giraffe going down the hill with sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn’t recognize her…

How do you put 5 giraffes in a green and red beetle?
Two in the front and three in the back…

And how do you put 5 elephants in a green and red beetle?
First take the giraffes off, then you put two elephants in the front and three in the back…

How do you know there are 5 elephants in the Movies?
There is a green and red beetle in the Parking lot…
——————————————————

SPECIAL “HOW TO KILL AN ELEPHANT”

How to kill a pink elephant?
With a pink elephant shotgun…

How to kill an white elephant?
Strangle him until he gets pink, then kill him with a pink elephant shotgun…

How to kill a black elephant?
Scare him to death until he gets white, strangle him until he gets pink, then kill him with a pink elephant shotgun…

How to kill a purple elephant?
Paint him black, scare him to death until he gets white, strangle him until he gets pink, then kill him with a pink elephant shotgun…

How to kill a green elephant?
Beat him up until he gets purple, paint him black, scare him to death until he gets white, strangle him until he gets pink, then kill him with a pink elephant shotgun…

How to kill a brown elephant?
Put him in a boat so he gets sick and green, beat him up until he gets purple, paint him black, scare him to death until he gets white, strangle him until he gets pink, then kill him with a pink elephant shotgun…

How to kill a blue elephant?
Throw him in the mud so he gets brown, put him in a boat so he gets sick and green, beat him up until he gets purple, paint him black, scare him to death until he gets white, strangle him until he gets pink, then kill him with a pink elephant shotgun…

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing so, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer asks, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

The trooper stops writing the ticket and says, “Well, yeah, if that’s what they are–I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer says, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, “Hey . . . wait a minute, are you trying to associate me with the back end of a horse?”

The farmer says, “Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s rear.”

The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer adds, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

A man went to his doctor for a check up. At the end of the appointment his doctor said, ” I have some good news and some bad news.”

The man said, “What’s the bad news?”

The doctor said, “You have 3 days to live.” Frantic, the man asked,” And what’s the good news?”

The doctor replied, “You know the receptionist with the humongous tits? I’m f*cking her.”

A lady from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the Midwesterner feel inferior and unimportant.

“My dear,” said the New York matron, snobbishly, “Here in the East we think breeding is everything.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” the lady from the Midwest replied. “Out where I come from, we think it’s fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well.”