Jokes News

Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, “How have things been going?”

The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy, “I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.”

The first guy says in amazement “Hey; you don’t stutter any more.”

The answer comes, ” y..e..s I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r .a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r.”

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he “was almost married”.

“W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i…t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o…r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s.c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e..”

“Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?” asks the first friend.

” W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s.”

A flat-chested blonde wanted to have her breasts enlarged but she did not want to undergo surgery. So she consulted a witch doctor who gave her a pill to swallow. After swallowing the pill, the blonde was told by the witch doctor that what she had swallowed was a magic pill. Everytime a man would say the word ‘pardon’ to her, her breasts would grow an inch bigger.

After leaving the office of the witch doctor, the blonde bumped into a male pedestrian who said, “Pardon me, ma’am.” Immediately she felt her breasts growing an inch. The blonde was ecstatic that the magic pill was working. At a busy street corner, a hurried delivery boy bumped into her and said, “Beg your pardon, miss.” Again her breasts grew an inch bigger.

Feeling the need to celebrate, the blonde walked into a Chinese restaurant to order her favorite dish. When she was walking towards an unoccupied table, a Chinese waiter accidentally bumped into the blonde. The waiter bowed several times and said, “A thousand pardons, madam!”

The next day, the headlines read, “Chinese waiter crushed by a pair of torpedoes!”

A man suspected his wife of having and affair and decided to hire a private eye to spy on his wife after he left for work. He found a Chinese man who would work for the money he offered. He told him to tell him everything that happened while he was at work.

After work the private eye called the man and
said, “After you leave, man come. Me climb tree to see. He kiss she. She kiss he. He undress she. She undress he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree. No see. No fee.”

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing. When he gets up to the 16th hole, he tees up and really cranks one. Unfortunately he slices the ball into the woods on the side of the fairway. While in the woods looking for his ball, the guy comes across this little guy lying flat on his back with a huge knot on his head and a golf ball lying right beside him.

“Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that any man would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a good golf game, and a great sex life.”

Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up, hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds his ball, he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

“I’m fine,” the leprechaun answers, “and might I ask how your golf game is?”

“It’s great! I’m under par every time I play,” Answers the man.

“I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?” asks the leprechaun.

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket I pull out a hundred dollar bill.”

The leprechaun says, “I did that for you, too. And might I ask how is your sex life?”

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Not bad, maybe once or twice a week.”

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Only once or twice a week?”

“Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the “Arkansas Edition of Windows 98″ may have accidentally
been shipped outside of Arkansas. If you have one of the Arkansas Editions, you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Arkansas Edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of Frank Broyles superimposed on the Razorback flag.
It is shipped with a Leann Rimes screen saver.

Also note:

The “Recycle Bin” is labeled “Outhouse.”

“My Computer” is called “This Infernal Contraption.”

“Dialup working” is called “Good Ol Boys.”

“Control Panel” is known as “The Dashboard.”

“Hard Drive” is referred to as “4-Wheel Drive.”

“Floppies” are “Them Little Ol’ Plastic Disc Thangs.”

Other features:

Instead of an Error Message you get a Winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

Terminology:

OK ………’ats aww-right
Cancel…… hail no
Reset …… aw shoot
Yes …….. shore
No ……… Naaaa
Find ……. hunt-fer it
Go to ….. over yonder
Back ……. back yonder
Help ……. hep me out here
Stop ……. ternit off
Pause …… fixin’ to
Start …… crank it up
Settings … sittins
Programs … stuff that does stuff
Documents .. stuff I done done

Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Arkansas Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

This ventriloquist was playing a club and happened to crack a series of jokes about hillbillies. His dander rising, one young man in the club finally stood and said, “Hey, Ah’m gettin’ tired of these here jokes. Not all of us is dumb, y’know.”

The flustered ventriloquest appologized, “It was all in jest, sir. Please don’t take it so seriously!”

“Shaddup,” snarled the hillbilly, “Ain’t talkin’ to you. I’m talking to that wood fella on yar knee.”

Q: How many yuppies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. Yuppies screw in hot tubs.

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A BLONDE HAS BEEN IN YOUR OFFICE?

THERE IS WHITE-OUT ALL OVER YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN

_______

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A BLONDE HAS BEEN IN YOUR OFFICE AGAIN?

THERE IS WRITING ON THE WHITE-OUT!!

A guy died, went to hell, and was greeted by the devil. The devil led him to a hallway and told him to choose 1 of 3 rooms to spend the rest of eternity in.

He opened the first door to find a group of people standing on their heads on a wood floor.

He thought that looked extremely uncomfortable, so he opened the second door. Here he found a group of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor.

Then he opened the third door and found a group of people standing knee high in dog shit drinking coffee.

He thought this looked better than the first two rooms, so he chose the third room.

After a few minutes of standing in the dog shit drinking coffee, the devil opened the door and said, “All right guys, coffee break’s over, back on your heads.”

A man walks into a supermarket in downtown L.A. and heads straight to the produce section. After looking at the heads of fresh lettuce on display, the customer approaches the store clerk and asks, “Excuse me. Can I buy half a head of lettuce?”

Shaking his head, the clerk says, “I’m sorry. But we sell those by the whole head.”

“But I don’t need a whole head, just half. C’mon surely you can accommodate my simple request,” insists the customer.

The clerk just sighs and says, “Okay, tell you what. I’ll go over to the supervisor there by the meat section and ask for his permission. You just wait here.”

So the clerk reluctantly goes to the meat section and says to the supervisor, “There’s this really persistent asshole who wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” As he turns around to point the insistent customer out to the supervisor, the clerk finds the customer has followed him to the meat section and is standing right behind him! Without missing a beat, the clerk continues, “And this genetleman here wants to buy the other half.”

Suppressing his desire to laugh, the supervisor just nods and says, “Fine with me.”

After the customer has left with the half a head of lettuce, the supervisor approaches the clerk and says laughingly, “Man, that was really quick thinking on your part.”

“We Filipinos are well-known for being quick thinkers,” says the clerk proudly.

“Really? I didn’t know you’re a Filipino. Were you born in the Philippines?” asks the supervisor with interest.

“Yep. Born and raised on the streets of Manila. Lived there for twenty years.”

“Is that so? Tell me, why did you come to L.A. then? Why did you leave the Philippines?”

Annoyed by the supervisor’s line of questioning, the clerk decides to make up a funny reason just to kid the supervisor. So he says in all seriousness, “Because the people there are either whores or basketball players.”

Although the clerk is just being a smart-ass, the supervisor takes the remark seriously and suddenly takes offense. With his face reddening, the supervisor says, “Hey! My wife is from the Philippines, too!”

“Oh really?” asks the clerk quickly. “Is she a point guard or a small forward?”