Jokes News

Q. Why do women prefer men that are not circumcised?

A. Because they like to “Rrrroll up the Rrrrim to win”

A TRUE story from New York:

As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.

The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.

He replied, as soon as he saw his victim, “Yes Officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin’,
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin’ pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, “YO! Keep it down!”
When what to my
Wanderin’ eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin’ reindeer!
Wit’ slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit’ a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
“Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!”
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me ’side da head.
“What da hell you doin’
Pullin’ a gun on da Don?
Now all you’re gettin’ is coal,
You friggin’ moron!”
Den pointin’ a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin’,
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin’.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
“Merry Friggin’ Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!”

“You’re in incredibly fine condition,” the doctor concluded, after finishing a thorough physical exam. “How old did you say you were, Sir?”

“Seventy-eight.”

“Seventy-eight! Why, you have the health of a sixty-year-old. What’s your secret?”

“I guess, Doc, it’s due to a pact the wife and I made when we got married. She promised that if she was ever about to lose her temper, she’d stay in the kitchen ’til she cooled off. And I pledged that when I got angry, I’d keep quiet, too, and go outside until I calmed down.”

“I don’t understand,” said the doctor. “How could that help you stay so fit?”

“Well, the patient explained, “I guess you could say I’ve lived an outdoor life.”

NASA wass preparing for another mission and wanted to send a woman into space. To find the right one, NASA officials interviewed a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

They called in the brunette and told her that she was one of the finalists to go into space. Then one of the officials asked her what planet she would like to visit and why. She thought about it and then said that she would like to go to Jupiter and study everything there becasue it was just so big. The officials said ok and that they would be getting in touch with her at a later date.

Next, the NASA offcials called in the red head. They asked her the same thing as the brunette. The redhead then said that she wanted to go to Mars because she thought that with all the recent discoveries there, it would be worthwhile. The officials said ok and that they would get in touch with her at a later date.

Then they called in the blonde. The told her about the mission and asked her the same question as the other two. She thought about it for a while and finally decided. She told them that she wanted to visit the sun.

Now the NASA offcials were very confused. They looked at each other and the said, “But you know that you would be burnt to death because the sun is so hot.”

The blonde replied, “DUH! I’d go at night!”

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede thier
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the husband replied, “inlaws.”

This guy staggers home drunk one night. His wife is still up so he starts telling her about this great bar he was at. He said, “Wow honey, it was great! Everything was gold! Ya wouldn’t believe it. They had gold plates, gold mugs, gold disco balls, everything was gold! They even had gold urinals!”

His wife said, “Yeah, sure honey. Why don’t you just sleep it off?” So the guy passes out.

The next morning, the wife is curious about whether there was such a bar. She proceeds to ask her hung-over husband about it, but he just mutters something about not remembering a thing and stumbles off to work.

The wife is curious, so she breaks out the yellow pages and looks under bars/restaurants. Lo and behold, there it is, the gold bar. She calls up the place and a man answers the phone, “Gold Bar.”

She proceeds to ask him, “Does your establishment really have gold plates and gold mugs and all that?”

The man says, “Yes we do.”

She then asks, “Okay. Do you have gold urinals?”

The guy on the phone says, “Hold on a sec. Hey Jake! I think I found out who peed in your saxophone last night!”

Overheard by the parents of a selfish child..
“Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the lord my soul to keep,
And if I die before I wake,
I pray the lord my toys to break,
So none of the other kids can play with em’.
Amen”