Jokes News

Q: Do you know why so many Italian men are named Tony ?

A: Because when they get on the boat to come to America, they stamp “TO NY” on their forehead !

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial — it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer–do you have a locker room in the police station –a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: Well, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

The courtroom erupted in such laughter that a recess was called.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

answer: Two, but only if they’re in the mood.

A COMPARISON OF
THE OPENING DAY OF SCHOOL
THIRTY YEARS AGO
AND TODAY

THIRTY YEARS AGO—Mrs. Carlson receives an apple from an anonymous student and shows it to her fellow teachers.
TODAY, Mrs. Carlson receives a package from an anonymous student and shows it to the bomb squad!!

THIRTY YEARS AGO—young Jack Turner is caught reading Playboy.
TODAY, Miss Blake, the art teacher, is probably posing for Playboy!!

THIRTY YEARS AGO—the entire first grade class groans when Melvin asks the teacher “Didn’t you forget to give us homework?”
TODAY, the entire first grade class cheers when Rocco asks the teacher, “Hey where the hell are the condoms”!!

THIRTY YEARS AGO—Nurse Ryan treats the fifth grade’s first case of whooping cough.
TODAY, Nurse Ryan treats the fifth grade’s first case of morning sickness!!

THIRTY YEARS AGO—Students find mercury, lead and cobalt on the periodic table.
TODAY, Students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water!!

THIRTY YEARS AGO—many classes began with “show and tell”
TODAY, many classes begin with “search and frisk”!!

THIRTY YEARS AGO—ninth grader Mark Collins is caught cheating on a pop quiz.
TODAY, Eric Dowd is caught cheating on his common-law wife.!!

THIRTY YEARS AGO—in assembly, Mr. Police Captain tell students how to avoid being accosted by strangers.
TODAY, in assembly, Mr. Police Captain tells students how to avoid being shot by his men!!!

One day these two hunters are walking through the woods when the one turns to his friend and tells him that he has to go take a shit.

About 10-15 minutes go by and his friend is still not back, and while waiting for him up against the tree he spots a deer and shoots it.

While gutting the deer he gets a devilish idea to take a handfull of the deer guts and sneak over to the spot where his friend is shitting. He does just that without his friend seeing him and places the guts underneath him and then sneaks back to where he shot the deer.

About 30-45 more minutes go by and his friend finally comes back from the woods and says, “You’re not going to believe this Jim, I was shitting and I shit so hard that I literally shit my guts out………but with the will of God and these two fingers, I was able to put them all back!!!”

Stage 1: Kissing/Light Petting

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Oh, I can’t resist: I’m powerless before your seductive ways!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Garlic breath–ewwww!”

Stage 2: Undressing

What he hopes you’re thinking: “My God, look at the size of that!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “My God, look at the size of that!”

Stage 3: Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you’re thinking: “I could worship at the altar of your impressive manhood for hours.”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “If he doesn’t warn me before he cums, I’m going to kill him.”

Stage 4: Penetration

What he hopes you’re thinking: “You stallion, you’re splitting me in half!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Is it in yet?”

Stage 5: Your Orgasm

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Yes, (his name here), yes!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “I deserve an Academy Award for this performance.”

What he’s even more afraid you’re thinking: “Yes, (other guy’s name here), yes!”

Stage 5: Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Now I know what an earthquake feels like.”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all.”

Q: What do Muslims call out at a strip show?

A: Show us your face.

Sister Catherine was asking all the catholic school children in 4th grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila said, “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”

Sister Catherine’s eyes grew wide and she barked, “What did you say?!”

“A prostitute!” Sheila exclaimed.

Sister Catherine breathed a sigh of relief and said “Whew! Thank God! I thought you said ‘A Protestant’!”

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who I haven’t seen in a long time.”

“That’s a shame,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can dofor you?”

“Yes,” she said, “as I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good-bye, Mother!’ It would make me feel so much better.”

“Sure,” answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Good-bye, Mother!”

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”

“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” the clerk replied.