Jokes News

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

“Joe,” he asked, “which company has the slogan, ‘Come fly the friendly skies’?”

Joe answered with the correct airline.

“Brenda, can you tell us which company has the slogan, ‘Don’t leave home without it’?”

Brenda answered with the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

“Now, John, tell us which company bears the slogan, ‘Just do it!’?”

John answered, “Mom.”

This guy comes home from work and runs up the stairs yelling honey pack your bags i just hit the lotto.

She’s all excited and says well should i pack for the ocean or should i pack for the mountains?

He says i dont give a shit just pack your bags and get the fuck out.

There were 3 couples who wanted to join a local church. They all went to see the preacher. The first a boyfriend and girlfriend asked, “Can we join your church?” The preacher replied, “If you can go for a week without sinning and without sex, then you may join.” The couples agreed!!

The next was an old married couple. They asked the same question and the reply was the same to that of the first couple!!

The third couple was a newlywed couple, and the same thing happened to them.

After a week they all came back and the boyfriend & girlfriend were first. The preacher asked, “Well how did you do?” They replied, “Well we did not sin.” The preacher said, “Very well. You may join my church.”

The next older couple came and were asked the same question. Their reply was, “Well, we did not sin.” The preacher said, “Very well. You may join my church.”

The newlywed couple came and were asked the same quesion their reply was (The Man):”Well sir I have a confession to make, my wife bent over to pick up a can of peaches and Bam! we went at it, we had sex, I could not resist”

The precher replied, “Well you may not even think about coming in the doors of my church!!”

The man replied, “That’s ok! They also told me we were not allowed back in the Grocery Store either!!!!”

A congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.”

A teacher was grading a test from the day before, and she realized a girl had
copied off her partner’s paper. So she called the girl over and said, “Sue,
why did you copy off Helen’s paper?”

Sue answered, “Why do you say that?”

The teacher answered, “Well, on the firt question Helen answered ‘no,’ and
you did, too.”

Sue said, “So what? That doesn’t prove anything.”

“Well, on the second answer, Helen answered ‘yes,’ and you did, too.”

Sue shrugged and said, “So what?”

“Well, on the third answer, Helen answered ‘I dont know,’” the teacher
continued, “and you put ‘I don’t know, either.’

Two crusty old war veterans, sitting in front of the fireplace at the retirement home: “Dave, it seems so long since I last made love to a woman. How long has it been for you?”

“Nineteen forty-five,” says Dave solemnly.

“Hell, that’s a long time!” exclaims, Jim.

“Not really,” says Dave, puzzled. “It’s only twenty-thirty now.”

Two elderly women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

“My dear,” said the first woman “Are those real pearls?”

“They are,” replied the second woman.

“Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them,” smiled the first.

The second responded with an even bigger smile, “Yes, but for that, you would need real teeth.”

Two gang members in LA are talking.

One says to the other: “Don’t forget, Lester. There are only 10 more shoplifting days before Xmas!”

This isn’t my joke, my friends and I thought of a couple more:

Painful sex : Soregasms

Sex on the beach : Shoregasms

Flying sex : Soargasms

Sex with the needy : Poorgasms

“I’ll get a world record for this.”

“It’s fireproof.”

“He’s probably just hibernating.”

“What does this button do?”

“You’re under citizen’s arrest!”

“Bull! You’re not a REAL cannibal.”

“It’s probably just a rash.”

“Are you SURE the power is OFF?”

“Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?”

“The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!”

“Pull the pin and count to WHAT?”

“WHICH wire was I supposed to cut?”

“I wonder where the mother bear is?”

“I’ve seen this done on TV.”

“These are the good kind of mushrooms.”

“I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.”

“Let it down slowly.”

“Rat poison only kills rats.”

“Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.”

“It’s strong enough for both of us.”

“This doesn’t taste right.”

“I can make this light before it changes.”

“Nice doggie!”

“I can do THAT with my eyes closed!”

“I’ve done this before.”

“Well, we’ve made it this far.”

“That’s odd…..”

“You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you?”

“Don’t be so superstitious!”

“Now, watch this!”

“WHAT duck?”