Jokes News

A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.

“I’ll just catch my own alligator,” she told one shopkeeper, so I can get a pair of shoes for free.” She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.

Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.

She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.

“Oh, NO! the blonde shouted in dismay. “This one isn’t wearing any shoes EITHER!”

1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

2. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

3. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

4. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

5.. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

6. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

7. Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

8. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

9. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

10. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

11. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

12. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

13. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

14. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

15. Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

16. Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

17. Sooner or later, doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, “Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?”

The doctor quickly responded, “To avoid criticism.”

Q: What’s the best way to make your dog drink?

A: Put him/her in a blender!

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, “I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there.” That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband.

He says, “I’ve never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look.”

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.

Then the girl says, “I’ve never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?”

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, “I hope you’re satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine.”

Her husband says, “You think you were embarrassed…I had
the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me.”

One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television, as well as in the newspapers. But no one reported having seen the ape.

At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo, as well as the animal handlers, were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at an desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other, written by Darwin.

The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.

The ape replied, “I’m trying to figure out whether I am my brother’s keeper or whether I am my keeper’s brother.”

After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve.”

Adam answered, “Yes, Lord, but what’s a kiss?”

So the Lord gave Adam a brief description, and Adam then took Eve by the hand and led her behind a bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Lord, that was enjoyable.”

The Lord replied, “Yes, Adam, I thought you’d enjoy that, and now I’d like you to caress Eve.”

Adam said, “Lord what’s a ‘caress’?”

So the Lord gave Adam a brief description, and Adam went again behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “Lord, that was even better than the kiss!”

The Lord said, “You’ve done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve.”

Adam said, “Lord, what’s ‘make love’?”

So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in two seconds… Adam said, “Lord, what’s a headache?”

A man rents a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There is only one camel available and it has one little problem, the camel owner tells him. Periodically, this camel will stop and refuse to move until somebody beats it off.

The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days.

On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, and again.

Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says, “What do you want now?”

The camel puckers up his lips and makes little sucking noises.