Jokes News

Whats the address for the gay website?

c : enter (see colon, enter)

WIFE: Look at these old clothes I have to wear. If people came to visit, they would think I was the cook!

HUSBAND: Well, they’d change their minds if they stayed for dinner.

You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on the way back to bed.

You name your children “Eudora,” “AOL” and “Dotcom”.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your CHILD in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for free Internet access.

You find yourself typing “com” after every period, when using a word processor.com

You refer to defecating as “downloading”.

You can’t call your mother because she doesn’t have a modem.

You check your e-mail. It says “no new messages” - so you check it again.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile, and it feels BETTER that way.

LAWYERS AND SNAKES

What is the difference between a snake and a lawyer?

One is an asp in the grass,

the other…

Have you ever wondered how the female mind works as compared to the male mind? Yes Male minds are simple.

HER DIRECTIONS:

80….(SF)….just after the weight station near cordelia(i think) will be an exit for 14…Sonoma and Napa….take it…..follow it all the way thru…..till you end up in fairfield…there is a signal next to…a Beer joint i think it is….i don’t know…but you merge to the right which turns into a lil 2 lane freeway dealy….go thru the signal…go over the bridge thing…. then when you get to the next signal….make a left to go to death vally….you’ll be on Carneros Hwy….then you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red light….turn right….the road will give you a choice to go straight or veer right…..VEER RIGHT. stay on this road till you see a buncha power stuff…ya know, those big metal thingamajigs….there will be a stop sign…you can either go straight or turn right on Lincoln …well…turn right.. ..follow that to the end….its kinda a long way….you will hit old bluewood hwy….turn right on old bluewood…..follow it down…past the 8ball (a bar that will show up on the right) which is in cotati….stay on this road and just get on the freeway….you will pass an exit….then just get off at Wilfred Ave….just off the offramp there is a signal….turn left…then go straight thru the next one and under the overpass….go straight…..you will see pep boys straight in front of you. you can chill there if you want or go to wal mart, which you can’t miss….it’s in the same parking lot with home depot and arby’s

HIS DIRECTIONS:
80 West
Exit 14
Exit 121 (Left at Light)
Exit 116 (Veer right)
RT Lincoln Road
RT Old bluewood
RT Myrtle
RT Lancster
RT Lassen St

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Apparently true stories from overseas…

A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled “Hear Me Moan” the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house.

Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, “He got what he deserved.”

***********************************
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: “Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled “For The Sick”, is for monetary donations only.”

***********************************
From The Manchester Evening News: “Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket.”

**********************************
From The Derby Abbey Community News: “We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that ‘Mr. Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force’. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr. Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce.”

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of ‘yes/no’ type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

“I finished the exam in 30 minutes,” she says. “But I’m checking my answers.”

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., “Steady as she goes” or “She’s listing to starboard, Captain!”).

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion are the followings:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons are the followings:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.