Jokes News

Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, “I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transexual making love with a dog and a woman accomodating five men at once. If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community.” He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, “Are there any questions?”

Five people shouted in unison, “Where’d you rent the tape?”

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice:

“Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye.”

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.

“Hello?” I said. A girl’s voice came over the line. “Can I speak to Ben, please?”

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.

I replied, “I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”

“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded.

“I think he said he’d be home around 10:00.”

Silence on the other end… a confused silence.

“Is this Steve?”

My name isn’t Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.

So I replied, “Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?”

“Well… he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,” she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.”

A shocked voice now: “Who’s Karen?!”

“The girl he went out with.”

“I know that! I mean… who is she?”

“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”

“Yes… please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring.

“I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”

She exploded, “Who’s Jennifer?”

Apparently she wasn’t.

“Well… he’s going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry… it was an honest mistake.”

“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and that she’s very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.”

I smiled and said, “Okay, I will… but Becky isn’t going to like this…”

**CLICK**

How do you confuse a Blonde in a circular room?

Tell her to piss in the corner …

Question : What do Monica Lewinsky’s dress and Nascar
have in common?

Answer : Dick Trickle

From time to time I speak with pharmaceutical sales reps.
The other day a Glaxo rep told me of a drug her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising I want to suggest to my friends they consider buying stock in the company.

The drug is called “Gingko Viagra,” and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

What did the number 0 say to 8?

“I like your belt.”

At the gates of Heaven, St. Peter is waiting for each soul that enters. It was a slow day, but finally, someone arrives at the gates. Peter looks the guy over and asks, “How long were you married and how many times did you cheat on her?”

The guy looks proudly at Peter and says, “In all the 25 years I was married, I never once cheated on my wife.” Peter smiles and says, “Because of that, you get to ride around Heaven in a Mercedes.” The car appears suddenly and the man gets in and drives off.

A second guy arrives at the gates, and Peter asks him, “How long were you married to your wife and how many times did you cheat on her?” The second guy looks down and says, “10 years, and 2 times.” Peter frowns a bit and replies, “For that, you will ride around Heaven in a Taurus.” The car appears and the man gets in and drives off.

The third man arrives in Heaven and Peter asks,”How long were you married, and how many times did you cheat on her?” The third guy replies, “5 years, and 6 times.” Peter says, “You get a Honda to drive around in Heaven then.” And the car appears and the man gets in and drives off.

Just as the third guy gets inside Heaven, the car stalls and won’t start. He gets out to see what was wrong, when he sees the first guy sitting at the side of the road, crying.

The third guy asks, “What’s wrong? Car trouble?”

The first guy answers, “No, I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard.”

A young woman was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work.

An empty check stub later, she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn’t have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily, she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

“That’s a lovely car,” said the mechanic. “What seems to be the matter?”

She replied, “Well, it just conked out I’m afraid.”

“Let me have look.” He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

“Thank goodness,” she said. “What was the matter?”

“Simple really, just crap in the carburetor,” he replied.

“Oh, dear. How many times a week do I have to do that?”

One day dad decides to take his boy for a ride in the car, so they leave and as they are driving down the road, dad starts smoking a joint. The boy asks his father if he can have a hit and the dad asks, “Can your dick reach your ass?” and the boy says, “Well, no” and the dad says, “Alright then.”

Little while later they stop in at a gas station and dad picks up a 6 pack of beer and buys his son a scratch off lottery ticket.

So they take off and dad opens a beer and starts to drink it then the boy asks, “Dad, can I have a beer?” and dad asks, “Can your dick reach your ass?” and the boys says, “Well, no” and the dad says, “Alright then.”

About that time the boy is scatching off that ticket and wins 250,000 dollars. Dad says, “Son, you are going to share that with me, aren’t ya?” and the boy asks, “Well, Dad, can your dick reach your ass?” and the dad says, “Well, yeah.” the boy replies, “Good, go fuck yourself…….”