Jokes News

Three men are the sole survivors of a shipwreck and become stranded on a desert island.

Several years after they land, a bottle washes up on the beach. The first man, an Englishman, grabs the bottle and rubs it - and out pops a genie.

“I am the genie of the lamp. I am allowed to grant 3 wishes. Because there are 3 of you, you are allowed 1 wish each.”

The Englishman thinks for a bit and says, “I’d like to be back in England watching a game of football with a good English Beer.”

The Genie waves his arm and

A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints.

The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke’s all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar.

The bloke downs them . . . One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman: “Four pints, please, mate!”

The barman serves up four more pints and lines them up on the bar.

The blokes downs all four. The he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back . . . One, Two, Three.

“Two pints, mate!” he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him.

Down they go . . . One, Two.

As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, “One pint, mate.”

So the barman fills the glass.

The bloke sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. The he looks at the barman and says, “Y’know, it’sh a funny t’ing, but the lesh I drink, the drunker I get . . .”

When Joe’s wife left him, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, “Life just isn’t worth living anymore.”

“Don’t be stupid, Joe,” said the psychiatrist. “Let your work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, what do you do for a living?”

“I clean out septic tanks,” Joe replied.

A week after their marriage, these newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor.

“I can’t figure it out Doctor, my testicles are turning purple!?.”

The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He asked the wife (a blonde, of course), “Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed?”

“Yes.” she replied.

“And what kind of jelly are you using?” the doctor then asked.

“Grape.” she said.

Q: What do you call trust?

A: Two cannibals having oral sex.

As they drove through the training area on their annual inspection, the proud Officer in Charge of the training base waved a hand toward the field and said to the General, “We are extremely proud of our camoflauge training, Sir. Our soldiers blend into the background, completely invisible to the enemy. As a matter of fact, there are over a hundred men hidden in this field and I’m sure even a veteran soldier like yourself cannot detect one . . .”

Just then a tree trunk wiggled, jerked around, fell down, rolled over, got up and ran across the field.

Flabbergasted, the major ordered the driver to follw the “tree.” When they had chased it over the fields and meadows, tackled it to the ground and stripped the bark, out popped an apologetic Private Pickleton.

“Soldier!” thundered the Officer. “Do you realize that you have not only disgraced the unit but also jeopardized the entire operation?”

“Ye…ye…ye…yes..ss..sir” stammered Pickleton. “I’m sss…ss…sorry..ss..ssir.

“You imbecile! Why did you move?”

Pickleton sighed, “Well sss…sir, I sat there motionless while two pigeons took a dump on my head. I sat there motionless when a bear scratched his back up against me. I sat there motionless, when a dog took a piss on my toes, but when those two squirrels ran up my pant leg and one said to the other, ‘Ooowee, lookit them fresh nuts! Wanna bite?’ I had to run!”

Dear Santa:

You must be surprised that I’m writing you today, the 26th of December.

Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! (While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter) I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not going to lie to you Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn’t do for humanity!

WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH, THAT YOU’VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN’T FUCKED ME ENOUGH,YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN’T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE!

DON’T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! “I’LL FUCK YOU UP!” I’LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU’LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS EVERYWHERE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN’T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!!

YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU’LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE…YOU’VE BEEN STEPPING ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!

Sincerely,
Johnny