Jokes News

This blonde is at a vending machine, she puts in a dollar coin, pushes a button and out comes a Coke.

She is somewhat amazed by this and she proceeds by inserting another coin, pushing a button and getting another Coke, this time she is extremely excited.

She places the two Cokes down and continues to buy more and more and more until she had over 50 Cokes surrounding her.

Two males walk by and witness this lady at the vending machine just surrounded with cans of Coke.

They are curious as to what is going on so they ask the blonde, “What are you doing?”

The blonde turns around and replies, “Duh! I’m winning”

A woman went to the same pet store weekly to buy cat food. Each time she walked in, the parrot on his perch at the door would whistle, and say, “You are sooo fat and, MAN, are you ugly!”

This went on for sometime and eventually, in tears, the sensitive woman approached the manager and asked him to do something about the rude parrot.

The manager apologized to the woman, telling her that was the only phrase the parrot knew, and she shouldn’t take it personally. The woman was still offended, so the manager proceeded to take the parrot into the back storage room and to curse and beat him badly.

The parrot was eventually returned to his perch, with a dented beak and missing feathers.

The fat woman starts laughing hysterically with glee that the parrot has finally been taught a lesson …she thinks. As she exits the store with her free bag of cat food the parrot says,

“Hey lady, ain’t nothing changed!”

Name:Woman
Symbol:WO
Atomic weight:(Don’t go there)
Physical Properties:Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties:Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Also able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage:Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Name:Man
Symbol:XY
Atomic weight:180 +/- 50
Physical properties:Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties:Attempts to bond with WO at any given opportunity. Also tends to form strong bond with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (element:child) for prolonged time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage:None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution:In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and develops an unpleasant odor.

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman’s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking; the other, cleaning.

Once there was this officer who heard a sneeze behind him from a group of four soldiers who were under his command so he went to them and asked, “Who sneezed?” but no one answered. So he asked again, but they were afraid to tell him; so he got MAD, and asked the first man, “Who sneezed?” When he didn’t answer, he shot him.

Then asked the second one who didn’t know what to do, so he shot him.

The same thing happened to the third one, till he reached the fourth who said, “I did, sir!”

So the officer smiled at him and said: “Bless you, son.”

And walked away….;-(

Q: What happens to lawyers when they take viagra?

A: They get taller

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE AUTOMATED IN THE FUTURE. Even Emergency 911:

“Thank you for calling Emergency 911.If you’re being murdered, press 1. If you’re suffering from a split personality, press 2,3 and 4. If you’re battling Satan, press 666. If you are being assaulted,press pound,pound,pound.

If you are already dead, stay on the line, and an operator will be with you shortly.”

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place . . . The man says, “What’s the problem, Officer?”

Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55-zone.”

Man: “No Sir, I was going 65.”

Wife: “Oh, Harry, you were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”

Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”

Wife: “Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.”

Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

Wife: “Oh, Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.”

The man turns to his wife and yells, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!”

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

The wife says, “No, only when he’s been drinking!!!”

yo mama sooo nasty I went over to her house and ask what’s for dinner she open her legs and said “Crabs.”