Jokes News

Q. Whats the definition of disgusting?
A. Stuffing a dozen oysters into your granny’s pussy and sucking out thirteen.

Q. What’s the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
A. Getting her out of the wheelchair!

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don`t get blow jobs while they`re driving.

Q. What`s the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn`t hit the back of a girl’s throat at thirty miles an hour.

Q. How can you tell if you have a bad overbite?
A. You eat pussy and it tastes like poop.

Q. What do you call six lepers in a hot tub?
A. Porridge.

Q. Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good but you wonder who’s been there before you.

It was 5 o’clock in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.

The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed, “This is a birthday suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and butt naked now!”

The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sergeant walked out and yelled, “Close up the ranks and conserve your body heat!” The soldiers complied and moved closer together.

The captain appeared with his swagger stick. He walked up to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest. “Did that hurt?” he yelled.

“No, Sir!”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a U.S. Marine, Sir!”

The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked him right across the chest. “Did that hurt?” he yelled.

“No, Sir!”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a U.S. Marine, Sir!”

The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the soldiers, so he walked up to a third soldier. The captain noticed that the soldier had an enormous erection, so naturally he gave his target a huge whack with the swagger stick. “Did that hurt?” he yelled.

“No, Sir!”

“Why not?”

“Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!”

One day a duck walks into a chemist and asked for a condom.
The man at the counter said, “Would you like me to put it on your bill, sir?”

Then the duck said, “So, you think I’m some kind of a dick head?”

Did you hear that Bill Clinton has started his own line of cigars?

…he calls them Sir Walter Lewinskis

Two drunks, Hawthorne and Woods, wake up one morning. Woods says, “How the hell are we gonna get drunk today? All I’ve got is forty cents.”

Hawthorne says, “Gimme the money, I’ve got an idea.” He goes into a deli, comes out with a hot dog and says, “Come on. Let’s go to the bar.”

When they get to the bar, Hawthorne pulls down Woods’ zipper, sticks in the hot dog, and pulls the zipper up tight enough to hold it.

Then he says, “Follow me,” and they walk into the bar. He orders two zombies, and they drink them down. When the bartender says, “Pay up,” Hawthorne drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot dog.

The bartender says, “Get out of here, you homos.” Fifteen bars, they do the same routine.

They’re bombed. Hawthorne says, “Listen, it was a great idea I had, we got bombed on forty cents, but we gotta stop. Every time I drop to my knees I smash ‘em on the floor. I can’t take it anymore.”

Woods says, “You can’t take it anymore? We lost the hot dog after the fourth bar.”

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating-looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. “Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.

“So would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his
parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant
father into taking him.

“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.

“Great,” Little Johnny replied.

“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his
mother.

“Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny
excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at
30 to 1!”

If America Online was a city…

1) You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name.

2) You’d only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

3) Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

4) The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

5) 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.junkmail.com.

6) The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.

7) The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.
If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you “really are important to us”.

9) Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.”

10) Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

11) You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.

12) You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.

13) The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

14) Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, “HEY! YOU! YOU WANT AN AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say, “No.” The voice then replies, “OK, I’LL ASK YOU AGAIN TOMORROW.”

Two women (one blonde, one brunette) go out for coffee and a chat. The brunette has 3 kids; the blonde has 30 kids.

Brunette says: “How do you keep track of all those kids?”
Blonde says: “Oh, it’s easy. All of them are named Bob”
Brunette says: “How does that work?”
Blonde says: “Well, when I want them to eat I just say, ‘Bob dinner’ and they all eat, when I say ‘Bob bed,’ they all go to bed.”
Brunette says: “But would if you just want to talk to one individual?”
Blonde says: “Oh that’s easy too. I just call them by their last names.”