Jokes News

A blonde walks into the emergency room with a bullet embedded in her left hand.

When asked by the doctor how she got shot in the hand, the blonde confesses, “I was feeling so depressed that I decided to kill myself. So I took a gun and placed it inside my mouth. Then I changed my mind because I did not want to ruin any expensive dental work. I decided to shoot myself in the heart. But then I just had an expensive bust job and I didn’t want to ruin that too. So I placed the gun to my right ear but since the blast from the gun would be too loud, I placed my left hand over my right ear and then pulled the trigger.”

“Daddy, Daddy, in school my friends say I’m hairy.”

The father answers, “Honey, the dog is talking to me!”

Farmer John was taking his cow and its new born calf to
sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree.

Then taking the mother cow and John’s clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however, left the new born calf behind.

Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry.

Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbours happened to pass by. They recognised John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.

“Why are you thrashing the poor calf?” his neighbours asked.

To which farmer John replied, “I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly, ‘I am not your mother!! I am not your mother!!’….”

With the Christmas season approaching, please look into your heart to help those in need.

Hundreds of National Basketball Association players in our very own country are living at or below the seven-figure salary level. And, as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks- possibly a whole year as a result of the current lock-out situation.

But now you can help! For only $20,835.46 a month, about 694.50 a day (that’s less than a large screen projection TV), you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers the yearly league minimum, …. but it’s a start!

Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than two months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, $700 will almost replace his salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL _I_ KNOW I AM HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You’ll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned) or a signed photo (please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other people’s suffering.

HOW WILL _HE_ KNOW I AM HELPING?
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected
expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star (Higher cost)
[ ] Superstar (Much higher cost)
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team ( Cheerleaders not included)
[ ] I’ll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for a reserve player starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

It was autumn, and time for the blonde farmer to go over his books. To his puzzlement, he found that his flock of Rhode Island Reds was twice as profitable, in terms of eggs they produced, as was his flock of White Leghorns.

“Look at this, he said to his wife. “I’ve gone over the numbers again and again, and there’s no doubt about it: the Reds are laying twice as many eggs and bringing in twice the money of the Whites. I just don’t understand it.”

“I’ll tell you something else,” said his equally blonde wife, running a finger over the figures in her husband’s spreadsheet. “It looks like the Reds are eating twice as much as the Whites, too. Maybe that’s why they’re producing twice as many eggs.”

“By golly, you’re right,” said the farmer. Stymied, he went to bed that night, making a mental note to call an expert the next day.

He spent the following morning on the phone, calling the best poultry experts all over the country, but none could offer a satisfactory explanation as to why a flock of Rhode Island Reds would eat twice as much or produce twice as many eggs as a flock of White Leghorns.

On the verge of giving up, the farmer realized he had wasted a whole morning on the phone, when he should have been out tending his chickens. He hurried out to the huge hen house, where he ran into Jeb, the young farmhand.

“Get up late this morning?” asked Jeb.

The farmer explained, as he had at least twenty times already that day, about the mystery of the chickens, and how he had sought expert advice, to no avail.

Jeb listened, and when the farmer was done talking, said, “Boss, I think I can tell you why the Reds are eating twice as much and laying twice as many eggs as the Whites.”

The blonde farmer smirked, “Oh, really, Jeb? And why would that be?”

“Well, Boss,” said Jeb, “you own twice as many Reds as Whites.”

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter’s portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.

The teacher told him the porportions in the painting were incorrect. “The head is too big,” the professor explained. “The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous.”

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother. “Okay, A minus,” he said.

One Halloween night, two African American children, who are brother and sister, put on their costumes and go out of the house for some trick or treat. At the first house they stop by, the boy rings the doorbell. After a few minutes, an old white woman opens the door and asks, “And who might you two be?”

“We’re Hansel and Gretel!” says the boy.

“But you can’t be Hansel and Gretel. They’re white!” insists the old woman who promptly shuts the door on them. So the two siblings go back to the house and change their costumes. They return to the first house and ring the doorbell.

When the same old woman opens the door, she asks, “And who might you two be?”

“We’re Romeo and Juliet!” says the girl.

“That can’t be. Romeo and Juliet are both white!” With that said, the old woman closes the door.

Though disappointed, the two siblings return home but this time they go out without any clothes on. They head straight for the first house and ring the door again.
This time, the same old woman is so surprised to see them naked that she blurts out, “What are you two this time? Adam and Eve?”

“No,” the boy answers, “Hershey bars. One with nuts, the other without.”

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the
walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, “Vietnam, 1969.”

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, “Dog shit, 20 feet back.”

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. NOTHING improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered, take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has NO calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex, but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got, and 50% what people think you’ve got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get, nor how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man, are usually the same ones she can’t stand, years later.

16. Sex is dirty, only if it is done right.

17. It is ALWAYS the “wrong” time of the month.

18. The best way to hold a man, is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. They are also the same color.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are that you won’t, either.

21. Sow your “wild oats” on Saturday night, then pray on Sunday for “crop failure”.

22. The younger, the better.

23. The game of love is NEVER “called” on account of darkness.

24. It wasn’t the apple in the tree, but the “pair” on the ground that caused that-there trouble in Eden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

26. Ask the following: “B4 I 4Q, R U 18?”

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you must kiss a LOT of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like sex.

29. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hotdog stands on the MOON!

32. Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do “it” ONLY with the BEST.

34. “sex” is a 3-letter word which needs some old-fashioned 4-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month, by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. ‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless the mood strikes you.

40. Never lie down with a person who has more troubles than you do.

41. Abstain from wine, women and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a woman when she’s pissed, or when she isn’t.

43. A woman never forgets the man she could have had, while the man never forgets the women he could NEVER have.

44. What matters is NOT the length of the wand, but the skill of the “magician”.

45. It is preferable to be looked over, than overlooked.

46. NEVER say “No”.

47. A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he doesn’t love her.

48. Folks playing “Nude Leapfrog” MUST complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. NEVER stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bike is a RIDE!

52. Love comes in SPURTS.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation. The other 8 are unimportant.

55. Smile! (It makes people wonder what you’re up to.)

56. Don’t start it, if you can’t finish it.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool, when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad. Instead, stay up, fight, and entertain the neighbors!

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. Most people have sex on the “sperm” of the moment.

A man of about 60 asked the young lady at the drugstore checkout for a box of lubricated condoms.

“What size are you, Sir?” she asked.

“I didn’t know they came in different sizes, Miss. I’m not sure what size I take.”

“Well, just a moment, Sir, I can check”, and she came around the counter, unzipped his fly, took hold of him and said into the microphone “Box of extra-large condoms to the checkout, please.” A stockboy brought the condoms, the gentleman paid, and left.

A short time later, another man asked the young lady for a pack of ribbed condoms. “Yes, Sir, what size are you?”

“I..I’m not sure”, stammered the customer.

“Well, let’s be sure” said the young lady, “we don’t want them slipping off at the wrong time, do we”, and she came around the counter, unzipped his fly, felt him approvingly and said into the microphone “Box of large ribbed condoms to the checkout, please.” The man paid and left.

Still later, a young fellow about 16 came in, looked around and asked the checkout girl for a pack of condoms. “OK,” she said, “What size are you?”

“I dddon’t know” he stuttered, blushing.

“Well, no problem, we’ll just check you out” said the young lady as she came around the counter, unzipped his fly, felt him appraisingly and said into the microphone, “Cleanup at the checkout, please.”