Jokes News

Q- What do you call two Puerto Ricans playing basketball?

A- Juan on Juan

Three old men in a convalescent hospital are shooting the breeze when the seventy-year-old one exclaims: “You know, if I had just one wish, I’d wish that I could take a nice long piss.”

The eighty-year-old man said: “Well, I only wish that I could take a nice long shit.”

The ninety-year old man replies: “Boys, every morning at 7:00 a.m. sharp, I take a nice long piss, then every morning at 9:00a.m. sharp, I take a nice long shit. I only wish that I could wake up before eleven.”

Little Johnny’s teacher decided that the children should learn about mime, so she had each of them develop a speech, which was to be relayed by using motion only. When Little Johnny’s turn came, he stood up in front of the class:

“Ladies (grabbing chest) and gentlemen (grabbing crotch)…”

Little Johnny’s teacher wasn’t amused, so she sent him to the Principal’s office. Johnny explained what happened, so the sympathetic Principal told him to revise his speech as follows:

“Ladies (motioning woman’s curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with his arm)…”

Little Johnny went back to class and proceeded to give his speech again:

“Ladies (motioning woman’s curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with his arm), it gives me great pleasure (whacking-off motion)…”

What’s the difference between Canadians, Australians and Americans?

Canadians say, “Eh?”
Australians say, “Eh mate!”
and Americans say, “Hey, wanna mate?”

Sally: I betcha I can make you say purple!
Bob: I betcha can’t!
Sally: what are the colours of the Australian flag?
Bob: Red, white and blue
Sally: Haha i told you i could make you say blue!
Bob: No you didn’t, you said you could make me say purple!

Why did the orange stop crossing the road?
Because it ran out of juice

A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his penis. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do
this.

The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now”.

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is
anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his penis.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons:
“First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it!

A young couple has been married five years but Debbie has been unable to get pregnant. Then, having missed her menstrual period for a second consecutive month, she visits her doctor who examines her and gives her the good news. “Congratualtions, Debbie,” he smiles, “You’re going to have a baby.”

On the bus going home, Debbie is so happy that she is bursting to tell somebody. She glances at the friendly-looking man sitting beside her and says “Excuse me, sir, but I just received the best news of my life. I’m going to have a baby.”

“Congratulations”, he replies. “I have a little good news myself. I’m a farmer and my hens were laying eggs but. I wasn’t getting any chicks. But I solved that problem and now I have plenty.”

“Oh, that’s nice” says Debbie, “How did you do it?”

“I put a new cock in there.”

“Gee,” smiles Debbie, “What a coincidence.”

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day, this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig’s house and said, “I’m gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down.”

So he did! The straw pig went running over to the stick pig’s house and said “Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!”

So the stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, “I’m going to Huff and puff and blow your house down!” And he did!

The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig’s house and said “Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we’re scared!!!” So the brick pig let them in.

The wolf caught up with them and said “I’m going to huff, and puff and blow your house down.” While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared, but the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black
stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras.

These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. One of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf’s mouth. They left the wolf for dead, got back into their Limo and drove off.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig, “Who the hell were those guys?”

The brick pig said “Oh, those are my cousins…the Guinea Pigs.”