Jokes News

This 92 year old man has been getting along by himself for years in his own house when he starts to become forgetful and begins to experience a few problems. His daughter suggests that maybe it’s time he goes into a home for the elderly. The old man reluctantly agrees, but recognizes that he might actually enjoy being around other people who probably share some of his interests, etc.

So the daughter makes the arrangements, gets her father to the home and he proceeds to get settled in. He takes a walk and pretty soon he finds a very nice sun porch. He sits down and after a few minutes’ starts to lean slowly to the left. An attendant sees this and rushes over with a pillow to prop him up. A few minutes later, the old man starts to lean to his right. The attendant comes rushing over with a pillow and props up his right side. A few minutes later the old guy starts to tip forward. Without a word the attendant comes forward, props him up and puts a strap around him to hold him in place.

About that time the daughter shows up and asks her father how he likes the place so far.

The old man says, “Well actually, I really like it here except for one thing - they won’t let you fart.”

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, and wouldn’t fly the plane, until the problem was corrected,” he explained.

“And it took an hour to correct the problem?” the passenger asked.

“No,” the flight attendant replied, “It took an hour to find a new pilot.”

Did you hear about the new, more sensitive condoms?

After the man leaves, they stay and talk to the woman.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Compton a pig?”

The judge said that was true.

“Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Compton?” the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Compton with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Compton and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Compton.”

It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And they’re short on napkins.

Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Married people don’t live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

Common Sense Isn’t.

Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little Christmas shopping with Jan, his regular saleswoman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his browsing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, “OSCAR! OSCAR! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!”

“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”

“No,” she said, “but I did better than that! I got the license plate number!”

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is just sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket, and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can’t hold it in any longer and throws up all over the big guy’s chest.

About five minutes later, the big guy wakes up, looks down, and see the mess all over him.

“So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”

The baby bear looks into his little bowl and it’s empty. He says, “Who’s been eating my porridge?”

The Papa bear looks into his big bowl and it’s empty.

He says, “Who’s been eating my porridge?”

The Mama bear yells from the kitchen, “Will you assholes please shut up? I haven’t made the fucking porridge yet.”

Bill walks into a downtown bar in Washington and there’s a band playing.

He goes up to the band at a break and asks if he can play his saxophone in the band.

The band leader says no.

Bil says, “Please can I play my sax?”

Again the band leader says no.

Bill says, “I’m the President, you have to let me play!”

The band gets mad and says, “No, now get out of here.”

Bill turns around and starts walking then stops, and says, “Well can I bring in my WhoreMonica?”

An 83-year-old Hillbilly woman was examined by her Doctor. After he was done checking her over, he complimented her on her excellent health and said, “Do you and Jake still have intercourse?”

The lady thought a second and said, “Let me ask Jake, afore I answer.”

She hobbles out to the waiting room and says to her hubby, “Jake, the Doc wants to know iffin we still have intercourse. Do we?”

“No, my dear,” Jake responded, “We now have Blue Cross-Blue Shield.”