Jokes News

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!”

The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to go.”
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger breasts, you’d be a ten!”

A cowboy and an Indian were out on the plains looking for buffalo. The Indian puts his ear to the ground and says, “Buffalo come.”

The cowboy asks, “How do you know?”

The Indian replies, “Face is sticky”

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend
the night with him for $500. So, they spent the
night together. In the morning, before he left, he
told the girl that he did not have any cash with him,
but that he would have his secretary write a check
and mail it to her, calling the payment, “Rent for
Apartment.”

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event was not worth
the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed
a note:

“Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the
amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied
2. There was plenty of heat
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been
previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and
that it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent
back the following reply:

“Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you
expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlord.”

A farmer is sitting in a bar getting drunk.
The bartender walks up to him and says, “You know, I’ve seen some pretty sad faces in my time but yours takes the cake.”

“Some things you just can’t explain.” replied the farmer.
“Tell me about it.” said the bartender.
“Well,” the farmer began, “this morning I was out milking the cow. Just as the bucket was getting full, the cow knocked it over with her right leg.”

“Knocked the bucket over?” asked the bartender. “Well that doesn’t seem too bad.”
“Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what happened?”

“Well,” continued the farmer, “I tied her right leg to the post, sat down and started milking her again. Then, just as the bucket was getting full, she knocked the bucket over with her left leg.”

“Her left leg?” the bartender said skeptically.
“Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what happened?”
“Well,” continued the farmer, “I tied her left leg to the post, sat down and started milking her again. Well, just as the bucket was getting full, she knocked the bucket over with her tail.”

“Her tail?” the bartender said incredulously.
“Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what happened?”

“Well, I was all out of rope so I used my belt to tie her tail to the rafter. Unfortunately, with my belt off, my pants fell down around my ankles. Just then, my wife walked into the barn…”

1) Yo momma’s so fat she’s got more crack than Harlem!
2) Yo momma’s so stupid she tried to take a Chia pet for a walk!
3) Yo momma’s so stupid she thought Hamburger Helper came with somebody!
4) Yo momma’s arm pits are so hairy she looks like she has Don King in a headlock!
5) Yo momma’s so cheap she charged admission to the Thanksgiving dinner!
6) Yo momma’s so stupid she tried to study for a blood test!
7) Yo momma’s so stupid she stared at an orange juice container for hours cause it said concentrate! Yo momma’s so stupid she owns a video on how to fix your broken VCR!
9) Yo momma’s so stupid she bought a book on how to read!
10) Yo momma’s so ugly when she was born they had to bring in a vet, a scientist, and the X-Files cast to figure out what she was!
11) Yo momma’s so stupid she thought football was a knew sexual position!
12) Yo momma’s so stupid she waited for hours because a traffic sign said stop!
13) Yo momma’s so stupid she thought she could be saved at an Anaheim Angels baseball game!
14) Yo momma’s so stupid she said she felt bad for the men who had to crush their nuts to make peanut butter!
15) Yo momma’s so ugly her family reunions are at the zoo!

Q: What did the chicken say when she saw the scrambled eggs?

A: There go my crazy mixed up kids.

A man was driving along when he saw a sign that said “Yard Sale Today”, so he decided to check it out.

He wandered around for a while, not seeing anything he wanted, and then his eye fell upon a beautiful vase. He decided to ask how much it was.

“How much for this vase?” he asked.

“Ten dollars.”

“Would you take five?”

“Well I don’t know, it is a good vase.”

“But five is all I have.”

“Well, okay.”

“Um… do you have change for a twenty?”

This supposedly happened at Harvard University in October of last year.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, “If I understand, you’re saying there is as much glucose in male semen as there is in sugar?”

“That’s correct”, responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing; the poor girl’s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class….never to return.

As she was going out the door, the professor’s reply was classic….

Totally straight-faced, he answered her question by saying, “It doesn’t taste sweet, because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of the tongue and not in the back of the throat.”

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: “If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.”

The teacher asked Little Johnny if he had to go to the potty because he was fidgeting in his seat. Johnny said, “Man, if I had to take a dump, I’d pull down my pants and go anywhere I damn pleased.”

“But Johnny,” said the teacher. “Remember, good boys always wash their hands after taking a poop.”

“Why?” replied Johnny. “I ain’t gonna eat it.”