Jokes News

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chief.

“Your veal parmigiana was superb,” the customer said. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.”

“Naturally,” the chef said. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported.”

Did you hear about the new household cleaner just put on the market? It’s called “Bachelor.”

Why?

Because it works fast, and leaves no ring.

Did you hear, Monica Lewinsky is going to marry the unibomber?

Her new name will be, Monica Lewinsky -Kuzinsky……

It’s a mouthful…….

but she can handle it.

Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him. Nevertheless, the doorman graciously helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said, pleasantly, “By the way, Sir, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, just remember that you didn’t pull it out here.”

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity
got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?” The man thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth.”

“Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.” The woman was shocked but said, “I am very
disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering the years.”

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man, “Why do you have all that money in the box?”

To which the man answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”

Having gone to his secretary’s apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. “My God!” he shouted. “My wife is going to kill me!”

Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. “Honey!” he began, “don’t pay the ransom. I escaped!”

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account!”

To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”

“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”

“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”

“There’s no damn problem,” the man said, “I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”

“I see sir,” the manager said, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”