Jokes News

This fellow was sitting at the counter in a truck stop diner eating lunch. He was rather small in stature, bespectacled, and wearing a suit with a bow-tie.

On the stool next to him was his dog, an unusually-small, Mexican Chihuahua. He was surrounded by big rough-looking, rough-talking truck drivers, and he was catching a lot of ribbing about his tiny, little dog. He continued in silence eating his lunch. When he finished, he got off his stool, paid his bill, and he and his dog walked out of the diner.

A few moments later, the small man returns and timidly asks, “Does anyone in here own a Doberman?”

The roughest of the truck drivers rises and walks over to the little man and says, “Yeah, the Doberman’s mine. What about ‘im?”

The little guy replies, “I’m afraid my dog just killed your dog.”

The truck driver, bristling, bellows, “How could YOUR dog possibly have killed MY dog?”

The little man responds, “Well, your dog choked on him.”

When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers together. As most children do, we had to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal, current and past. For several weeks after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.”

As this soon became part of her nightly routine to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me, and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about ‘all the girls’?”

Her response: “Because we always finish our prayers by saying ‘All men’!”

There was this old man who lived in a nursing home, and his name was Mr. Johnson he was always the life of the party.

One day his nurse went in to see him just sitting on his bed and very depressed. The nurse asked him what was wrong and he responded, “My ding-a-ling died today”. Shocked she told him she was sorry to hear that and she left the room very quickly.

The next day the nurse returned to work to find Mr. Johnson parading around the nursing home with no clothes on, so she asked him, “What are you doing Mr. Johnson?!”

Mr. Johnson said, “Well do you remember that I told you my ding-a-ling died yesterday?” The nurse replied, “Yes.”

Then Mr. Johnson said, “Well today is the viewing”.

Q: What did one casket say to the other casket?

A: Is that you Coffin.

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blonde.

When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: “Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us, over.”

“Oink, oink. Pig 1 here, Houston, read you loud and clear!”

“Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?”

“Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing, over.”

“That’s right. Out.” They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage.

“Hello, Pig 2, Houston here, come in, please.”

“Oink, oink, Pig 2 here, read you loud and clear!”

“OK, Pig 2, do you remember your instructions?”

“Yes, when we’ve landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program.”

“That’s right. Out.” An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed, the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again.

“Houston here, Kiki, come in Kiki, do you read us?”

“Kiki here, reading you loud and clear!”

“Kiki, do you remeber your instructions?”

“Yes,” Kiki says, “I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons.”

The “good” news is that Mike Tyson will once again be allowed to box, in Nevada. The BAD news is that he won’t be doing it at the supermarket….

The only “ring” that Mike Tyson should be allowed to step into, is the one located on the inside of a bathtub.

Three men were in a car. The driver was drunk, and the car crashed in the middle of the desert on a huge rock.

The three men started going up to heaven. Half way up they stop, they then hear a voice, “YOU THREE MEN HAVE A CHOICE, YOU GUYS CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN OR BE SOMETHING DIFFERENT ON EARTH OTHER THAN HUMAN.”

So the three men all said that they want to be back on earth.

They heard the voice again, “IN ORDER TO DO THIS YOU MUST RUN, JUMP OFF THE CLIFF AND YELL OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO BE.”

So they got sent to a cliff. The first guy runs jumps and yells out, “I WANNA BE A BALD EAGLE!” So he flies off.

The second guy runs, jumps, and yells out, “I WANNA BE A TWEETY BIRD!” So he flies off.

Finally the third guy asks “WHY DID THEY GO EAST, IM GOING WEST.” So the guy starts to run, right before the cliff he trips on a rock and yells out, “OOOHHHH SSHHIITT!”

KKAASSSPPLLAATT!!!

Two French brothers were in England, visiting long-lost relatives, their very sophisticated English cousins. Having high tea with Lady Windham, Pierre was making chit-chat: “Tell us about your children, Dear Cousin.”

“Oh,” said the Englishwoman, “alas, I have no children.”

“I see,” pipe in Jean-Claude, “you are FRUITLESS.”

Seeing the expression on Lady Windham’s face, Pierre said, “I think the proper term is UNBEARABLE.”

“Non, non,” corrected Jean-Claude. “I’ve got it now: she’s IMPREGNABLE.”

The lady winced, and Pierre said, “Perhaps the word we’re looking for is INSURMOUNTABLE.”

“Viola! I have it!” exclaimed Jean-Claude. “Our dear cousin is INSCRUTABLE!!!”

There once was a lady named Big Birtha. She decided one day that she wanted to get a tattoo on her butt. Big on one cheek and Birtha on the other. She went to the tattoo parlor and asked how much it would be. The parlor said that it would be $200. Birtha asked how much she could get for $50. The parlor said you can get a B on one cheek and a B on the other. She agreed. After it was done, Birtha went home and showed her husband.
And her husband asked, “Who’s Bob?”

The clerk showed the fellow the store’s most expensive perfume. “This is called ‘Perhaps’,” said the sales clerk. “It’s $285 per ounce.”

“Listen,” the fellow shot back, “for $285 an ounce, I don’t want something called ‘Perhaps’ — I want something called, ‘You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You’ll Get Some!’”