Jokes News

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on. “I’m about to close,” the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon’s hand and says, “I’m not going to let you do that! I’ll close my own incision!”

The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, “Suture self.”

One day as I fished on the sea
A mermaid came visiting me
Though just right on top
T’other end was a flop
With no parts to show she was a she.

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, “This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!” She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it.

The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter and called him back. “Saint Peter, this is Sister Margaret again. Please set this error straight before tomorrow,” she begged. “There’s an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!”

“Of course, Sister,” he said. “I’ll get you out of there right away.”

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard, “Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. NEVER MIND!”

Two hillbillies are having the lunch special at the local diner when they hear an awful choking sound. They turn around to see a woman turning blue from wolfing down a Possumburger too fast. Jethro says to Wilbur, “Think we oughta help?”

“Yep” says Wilbur, who walks over to the lady and says, “Kin you breathe?” She shakes her head no.

“Kin you talk?” he asks, and again she shakes her head.

With that, he grabs her ankles and flips her upside down, while Wilbur pushes her panties aside and begins licking her butt.

The woman is so shocked, she coughs up the wedged burger and gratefully begins to breathe again.

Jethro pats Wilbur on the back and says, “Ain’t it great how that there Hind Lick Manuver works ever time.”

Rule #1: Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule #2: If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret Girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule #3: If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule #4: It is neither in your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule #5: Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule #6: Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

Rule #7: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule #8: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule #9: Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

Rule #10: Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule #11: When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.

Rule #12: Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

One day, Jim’s mom comes over to dinner, and was very curious about his roomate, Juli. Juli was blonde, thin, and very pretty. Then Jim said, ” Mothe, I know what you are thinking about things goin’ on between me and Juli, but there is nothing, we are just roomates.”
Well his mother understood but was still curious.
About two weeks lator, Juli came up to Jim and said, “Jim, ever since your mom came here, I’ve been missing my real nice watch that cost me $500.”
Jim said he would write a letter to his motherand this is what he wrote:
“Dear mother, I’m not saying that you ‘did’, but I’m not saying you ‘didn’t’ take Juli’s watch that she’s benn missing ever since you came here for dinner.
Love, Jim”
Afew weeks lator, the letter from Jim’s mother came back, it said:
“Dear Jim,
I’m not saying you ‘do’ but I’m not saying you ‘don’t’ sleep with Juli, because by now she would of found her watch if she was actually sleeping in her own bed.
Love, Mommy”

Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out to the skies, “Oh Lord, I have a problem.”

And the Lord said, Whats the matter Eve?”

“I know you created me and this beautful garden,” said Eve, “but I’m lonely and I’m sick of eating apples.”

“Well, in that case,” replied the Almighty, “I will create a man for you.”

“What’s a man?” asked Eve.

“He’s a flawed creature with aggresive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he’s big and fast and muscular. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals — and not bad in the sack.”

“Sounds great!” replied Eve.

“There’s one condition,” added the Lord. “You’ll have to let him believe I made him first.”

There’s this couple that call making love “doing laundry”. One morning the husband tried despartly to wake his wife to do some laundry. She replyed by saying “honey, I am so tired let me sleep just a little while longer and than we can do laundry”. A short time later she wakes up and turns to her husband, she see’s him lying there naked. Oh Honey she said, I see that your ready to do the laundry…He looked at her with a half smile and said…No thanks I already did the laundry…it was a small load so I did it by hand!

Question:
What do you call a blonde that knows her ABC’s?

Answer: GIFTED, OR LUCKY.

Lucky Luigi was working on a building site and said to the guys he was working with. “You know boys, I am a sooo lucky.”

The guys working with him looked at him and asked, “What happened this time Luigi, how lucky were you?”

Luigi said, “Well you see last night I won $5000 dollars on the lottery.”

“Wow Luigi, you are soooo lucky,” they said.

The next day Luigi came into work and said, “Hey fellas you know I am a soooo lucky,”

“What happened now Luigi,” the guys asked.

“Well you see last night I was driving home and I almost had an accident with a truck, but I managed to avoid it by slamming on my brakes.”

“Wow Luigi, you are sooo lucky, how do you do it?” The men said.

The next day Luigi came into work and said, “Boys, you know last night I reckon I was the luckiest I have ever been.”

“What is it this time Luigi?” The men asked in disbelief…

Luigi replied, “Well you see boys, last night I was a making a beautiful, sweet love to my wife in bed when BANG! All of a sudden the chandelier above our bed fell down and hit me right in the ass.”

“Gee Luigi,” said his work mates scratching their heads, “that doesn’t sound so lucky.”

Luigi replied, “Oh yes it was lucky, if it had fallen down a few seconds earlier it would have hit me in the back of the head.”