Jokes News

A man was sleeping his car on the side of the road one night, until he was awakened by a jogger knocking at his window. He unrolled his window and looked at the jogger.
“Excuse me, sir. Do you have the time?” He asked.
The man looked at his watch and replied, “It’s 8:10.”
The jogger thanked him and went on with his jogging. The man rolled his window back up and went back to sleep. A while later, he was awakened by a another jogger.
The man unrolled his window and the jogger asked “Do you have the time?”
The man looked at his watch and replied, “It’s 8:20″
The jogger thanked him and jogged away. The man was angry so he stuck a note on his car that said “I DON’T HAVE THE TIME!”
As the man began to get sleepy, another jogger knocked at his window and said, “Sir, It’s 8:30!”

The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”

Innocently, she says, “Why, Officer?”

“Because your breast is exposed.”

“OH, MY GOD!” says the blonde. “I forgot my baby on the BUS!!!”

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

Q:What do you get when you cross a roadrunner, a queer, and a turkey.
A:A ninety mile an hour gobber gobbler.

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

“How do you know what to say?” he asked.

“Why, God tells me.”

“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

your mom is so fat…she went to Sizzler’s and got a group discount.

your mom is so fat…her belt size is equator.

your mom is so fat…she was baptised in the pacific ocean.

your mom is so stupid, she told me she tripped over a cordless phone.

your mom is so old, she walked by an antiqe shop and they put a price tag on her.

your mom is so old…she knew god.

your mom is so fat, she sat on a penny and murdured abe.

your mom is so fat…god yelled,”LET THERE BE LIGHT!!”

your mom is so stupid, she told me she stole free cheese.

your mom is so stupid, she told me she got hit by a parked car.

your mom is so fat, when I walked 360 degrees around her, it was my birthday.

your mom is so poor, I stepped on a cigarette and she said, “Who turned off the heater?!”

your mom is so fat, she wore blue and everyone thought she was the goodyear blimp.

your mom is so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.

your mom is so skinny, she swallowed a bb and everyone thought she was pregnat.

your mom is so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale.

your mom is so stupid, she took a spoon to the superbowl.

your mom is so stupid, someone said it was chilly out side, and she jumped outside and brought a bowl.

your mom is so fat, when she weighed herself on the scale, the scale said to be continued.

your mom is so fat, she farted one day and it came out the next week.

your mom is so fat, she sat on a dollar and four quarters popped out.

your mom is so fat…she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out of George Washington’s nose.

your mom is so stupid, she put a ruler by her bed to see how long she slept.

your mom is so tall, when she did a cart-wheel, she kicked god.

your mom is so fat, the back of her head looks like a pack of hot dogs.

your mom is so stupid, she got locked in at the supermarket and starved to death.

your mom is so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it didn’t come back.

your mom is so fat, when she wanted to take a picture at the hollywood sign, the sign said “H D”.

your mom is so stupid, she wanted a refund because her donut had a hole in it.

your mom is so fat…she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.

your mom is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job.

your mom is so fat, when she wore high-heels and struck oil.

Little Johnny went into the confesson booth with a turkey in his arms. Johnny said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?”

“Certainly not,” said the priest.

“As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”

“I tried,” Little Johnny sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”

“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”

Little Johnny’s tears stopped, a smile returned to his face, and he rushed home to his family.

When confession was over, the priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found his Thanksgiving turkey was missing!

How can you tell an Amish Redneck?

He’s the one with the horse up on blocks in his front yard.

One day a blonde was scratching her boyfriend’s car with a ruler. He came out and told her that rulers are used for measuring how long things are. Not for scratching cars. In the morning he went to wake her for breakfast and had noticed that the ruler was under the bed. He said to her, ” I thought I told you your’re suppose to use a ruler for measuring how long things are.” She replied, ” I know, I wanted to measure how long I slept.”

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that there was a wet t-shirt contest?
A: She brought all her dirty laundry.

Q: What did the blonde say when she heard that her friend had died?
A: What color?

Q: How do you make a blonde go deaf?
A: Put a nail on the end of her pinky.