Jokes News

The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened! Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere, a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn’t bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under my windshield wiper.

Just then the light turned green, and there I was with a deceased bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing I could do. It actually worked.

On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy part of this story…it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn’t get caught under the windshield of THAT vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.

Of course, knowing my luck, immediately his lights went on, and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: “I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.”

Q.)What did Helen Keller’s parents do when she was bad?
A.) They rearranged the furniture!

Q.) What did Helen Keller’s parents do when she was really bad?
A.) The stomped on her Braille books with golf shoes!

Q.) What did Helen Keller’s parents do when she was really really bad?
A.) They left the plunger in the toilet!

Q.) Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
A.) She was a woman!

On a hot sunny Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and listening to the ballgame while his wife was mowing the lawn.

The lady next door observed this and shouted at the man, “How can you let your wife do that heavy work! You should be hung!”

“I am,” he replied, “That’s why she’s happy to mow the lawn.”

A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, “What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?”

She replied, “Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn’t I wear it?”

He said, “You’re not supposed to wear it unless you’ve made the team.”

“Oh,” she replied sweetly, “Who did I miss?”

Three men (John, Bubba, and Mac) died and went to Hell. All three of them were in a very dark and scary room. Suddenly a loud voice boomed out “John, you have been very bad all of your life. For your punsihment, you must live with this woman for all eternity.” Then a 7 foot tall, skinny, ugly woman walked out and John was forced away with her.

Bubba and Mac were shaking after seeing what happened and afraid of what would happen to themselves. Then the voice rang out again “Bubba you have been bad all of your life. For your punishment, you must live with this woman for eternity.” Then an even uglier woman, about 4 foot tall, 400 pounds, walked out and Bubba was forced off with her.

Mac was left all alone in the dark room by himself and was even more scared that before. Then Cindy Crawford appeared. Mac jumped around and hollered in joy that he would live with Cindy. Then the voice said, “Cindy Crawford, you have been bad all of your life…”

a man has
2 tits he can’t milk
2 balls he can’t roll
a cock that won’t crow
a belly button that he can’t button
an ass that won’t work
ten nails that he can’t nail

but a woman has a pussy that won’t catch mice!
so we’re even!

This comic is driving hundreds of miles to a gig when his car goes out of control and flips over in a fiery crash.

The comic gets thrown out across the highway where he is found by a doctor who happens along.

As the doctor tries to help, he finds a business card with the agent’s number on it.

The doctor calls the agent and says, “Yeah, I’ve got one of your comics here and he’s dying.”

The agent says, “Ahh, don’t sweat it… He’ll do fine once he gets to the puppet.”